“…current research indicates that the attention span of millennial teens has documentably, physiologically changed – shortened, of course! -- and broadened to include more types of “input” simultaneously from that of the previous generations. You need quick-burst information presented in eye-catching ways to secure their attention to what you’re trying to portray.”
I read this in a client email recently with regard to a teen curriculum we are developing at work, and it gave me chills. It both intrigues and depresses me, but it doesn't surprise me. We humans are evolving, no doubt, but to what end?
I would like to be a poet or even a songwriter, but when would I find time to do that? I am already so over-committed that when I do finally sit down each day (sometimes at 9 or 10pm), I don't have one more brain cell or introspective thought to dedicate to profound thinking.
I often wonder what it was like back when Poet could be your profession, when you could wander around in the quiet woods (and there were plenty of woods left) and pontificate on the beauty of nature, or whatever, uninterrupted, for as long as you wanted. True, life was simpler then, and it was more difficult to survive. But the luxury of focus just doesn't seem to exist now, not if you want to live in a house and drive a car and be a "productive" member of society. Today, if you are a person who does one task at a time and it takes you all day to do it, you are totally useless and obsolete.
We are conditioned to take in as much visual and aural stimulation and do as many activities at one time as is possible, and we call this productivity. I sit in meetings with 15 people, all on their laptops, half-listening to the agenda while answering as many emails as they can. If they did not do this, they wouldn't be able to keep up with their jobs. Someone told me today that they work 70 hours a week on a regular basis, and each day they put off 200-300 requests to deal with later. I always wonder, "When is later?" and "When does it end, when we die?".
Is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with this? Maybe this kind of action is leading us into a super-human existence, and I am just an ignorant relic, but it feels counter-intuitive to the core of my being. No one pays attention to anyone anymore; they don't have the patience to listen. If we can't stop the buzzers and rings and tweets and email on a small flat 2D screen long enough to look at each other and make a human connection, how can the human connection survive?
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Unsmooth Operator
As I slip further and further away from "miss" and into "ma'am", I am more keenly aware of how I am treated in public by the opposite sex. I've come to the realization that I'm not the sweet young thing (subjective opinion) that I once was.
The men who shamelessly flirt with me these days are guys in some sort of service industry (or crazy guys, I get that too). I was finding this surprising and even flattering, but now I know they do it because they are paid to. You get more flies with honey, right? Sometimes, if done well, it still is flattering, but sometimes it's just ridiculously disingenuous and creepy, like wearing too much cologne.
I checked into my hotel in New York this week, and the guy at the desk was just dripping with flirtery. On first glance, he was a young, probably gay, Hispanic guy so he caught me off guard when he batted his eyes and said "Is this your first stay? I do hope you come back again". My mind said, "what was that?". I turned to my co-worker to see if he heard it too. He did, but he did not betray it.
Then, he said "Here is your key, please stop by if you need a map...or just to say hi." Uh huh. Come on, dude, just be polite. You are not convincing or endearing. I'm a responsible consumer. I would have tipped you anyway.
The men who shamelessly flirt with me these days are guys in some sort of service industry (or crazy guys, I get that too). I was finding this surprising and even flattering, but now I know they do it because they are paid to. You get more flies with honey, right? Sometimes, if done well, it still is flattering, but sometimes it's just ridiculously disingenuous and creepy, like wearing too much cologne.
I checked into my hotel in New York this week, and the guy at the desk was just dripping with flirtery. On first glance, he was a young, probably gay, Hispanic guy so he caught me off guard when he batted his eyes and said "Is this your first stay? I do hope you come back again". My mind said, "what was that?". I turned to my co-worker to see if he heard it too. He did, but he did not betray it.
Then, he said "Here is your key, please stop by if you need a map...or just to say hi." Uh huh. Come on, dude, just be polite. You are not convincing or endearing. I'm a responsible consumer. I would have tipped you anyway.
Monday, October 19, 2009
A Word for Freelancers of the World
I've been thinking about this subject for a long time. Part of my job as a producer is to hire teams of creative and production people to create media for events, websites, curriculum, etc. Many times, and with varying success, I will hire freelancers who are new to being in business for themselves.
I'm always rooting for people who dare to be in business for themselves in this tough economy and this industry in particular. Secretly, I wish I wasn't so attached to my company so that I could do this myself, and take vacations whenever I wanted, and make twice as much money. But it's a trade-off, and I love the place I work and it's benefits.
Over the years I've seen new freelancers make professional mistakes, not career-ending, but mistakes that make me not want to hire them again. I have been told by my peers that I am too nice, too patient and too forgiving, but I believe in giving people a chance. The more experience I have, the more I know how this needs to be managed so that I don't put my projects and my client relationships at risk.
Here is some advice that could be useful to a freelancer or contractor when first starting out. If you follow this advice, you will make yourself very valuable in a competitive market:
1. Work your contacts, but don't pester people. It's great to check in once a month or every couple of months to let someone know you want to work with them. Don't call them or email them every week. We know you're there, and if we like you and need your skills, we'll call.
2. Be very clear about what you offer. Have confidence in your skills and talents, and communicate those so that we know exactly how it is you could fit into a project. If you don't know what it is that you want, we can't help you. We often need someone to take a project and run with it. Uncertainty is a risk we can't afford to take.
3. Do some research and price yourself for the market. It's always good to negotiate for the first job with a new company, but know what your skills are worth. Whatever you do, don't ask us what you should be paid. If we haven't worked with you, we have no idea what your work is worth.
4. Research the company you are trying to work with. Know what they do and have some idea of how you can be of service.
5. Be honest and realistic about your capabilities, but also about your availability. The biggest mistake I see people make is taking on every job that comes along, and then running into a time crunch getting them all done. We do not want to hear about how many other projects you have going on. We want to know that our project is a priority for you, and that you have enough time to do a great job and deliver on time.
6. Don't tell me how great you are, show me. If you've gotten as far as a meeting or a phone call, I am impressed. Let your work speak for itself. Sales pitches are annoying.
7. Be responsive. If I do have a project and I call you, it is go-time. Things move so quickly in this world that I might not have two days to wait for you to get back to me. If I call you more than once, and response is slow, I will assume that you are busy and will probably put someone else at the top of the list for future projects.
8. Be professional, even when working with friends. I have a casual rapport with people, but I'm serious about the work. We can be friendly and joke around, but I need to know that you are as serious as I am, and that you're going to give it 100%. If you do, I will definitely refer you to my peers.
9. Treat every project like it's the most important thing you have going on, because it is. Repeat business and recommendations are what make your freelance career successful!
10. Don't be high maintenance. Make sure you have all the tools to do your job. Don't assume we will loan you a computer or give you a ride to a location shoot. Don't assume that we will be able to spend a lot of time training. We hire experts in their fields because we don't have the time or the skills to do what you do in-house.
11. Do what you say you're going to do, but if you run into challenges, tell me. If the scope expands beyond the budget we agreed upon, beyond your skills or beyond the timeline, tell me. I see this mistake all the time. Rather than raise a flag, people will get frustrated or feel resentful that they are doing more than they bargained for. I never want to take advantage of your time or make you do more work than I'm paying for, but I don't know what your limits are unless you tell me. I'm happy to push back for more time or more budget if there is a legitimate case for it.
12. This industry is in constant flux. A project very rarely hits every milestone and deliverable exactly as expected. There needs to be flexibility of mind on both sides to be successful.
13. Meet your deadlines to the best of your ability. If you consistently delay or miss deadlines, or don't communicate, it doesn't matter how talented you are, we won't ask you back for another project. And word gets around.
14. Leave a positive impression. A good attitude is the key to doing exactly what you want to do in the world. I will hire someone who has a great attitude and is resourceful over the most talented person with an entitled attitude any day.
15. And if you work with me and you don't have a good experience, for whatever reason, don't blog about me or my company by name. It's a smaller town than you think.
I'm often juggling multiple projects at a time, and I always need help with something. If you are freelancing - the work is out there, go for it! It's not easy to get started or to know the right way to handle things, so I hope these guidelines are helpful. Good luck and see you out there!
I'm always rooting for people who dare to be in business for themselves in this tough economy and this industry in particular. Secretly, I wish I wasn't so attached to my company so that I could do this myself, and take vacations whenever I wanted, and make twice as much money. But it's a trade-off, and I love the place I work and it's benefits.
Over the years I've seen new freelancers make professional mistakes, not career-ending, but mistakes that make me not want to hire them again. I have been told by my peers that I am too nice, too patient and too forgiving, but I believe in giving people a chance. The more experience I have, the more I know how this needs to be managed so that I don't put my projects and my client relationships at risk.
Here is some advice that could be useful to a freelancer or contractor when first starting out. If you follow this advice, you will make yourself very valuable in a competitive market:
1. Work your contacts, but don't pester people. It's great to check in once a month or every couple of months to let someone know you want to work with them. Don't call them or email them every week. We know you're there, and if we like you and need your skills, we'll call.
2. Be very clear about what you offer. Have confidence in your skills and talents, and communicate those so that we know exactly how it is you could fit into a project. If you don't know what it is that you want, we can't help you. We often need someone to take a project and run with it. Uncertainty is a risk we can't afford to take.
3. Do some research and price yourself for the market. It's always good to negotiate for the first job with a new company, but know what your skills are worth. Whatever you do, don't ask us what you should be paid. If we haven't worked with you, we have no idea what your work is worth.
4. Research the company you are trying to work with. Know what they do and have some idea of how you can be of service.
5. Be honest and realistic about your capabilities, but also about your availability. The biggest mistake I see people make is taking on every job that comes along, and then running into a time crunch getting them all done. We do not want to hear about how many other projects you have going on. We want to know that our project is a priority for you, and that you have enough time to do a great job and deliver on time.
6. Don't tell me how great you are, show me. If you've gotten as far as a meeting or a phone call, I am impressed. Let your work speak for itself. Sales pitches are annoying.
7. Be responsive. If I do have a project and I call you, it is go-time. Things move so quickly in this world that I might not have two days to wait for you to get back to me. If I call you more than once, and response is slow, I will assume that you are busy and will probably put someone else at the top of the list for future projects.
8. Be professional, even when working with friends. I have a casual rapport with people, but I'm serious about the work. We can be friendly and joke around, but I need to know that you are as serious as I am, and that you're going to give it 100%. If you do, I will definitely refer you to my peers.
9. Treat every project like it's the most important thing you have going on, because it is. Repeat business and recommendations are what make your freelance career successful!
10. Don't be high maintenance. Make sure you have all the tools to do your job. Don't assume we will loan you a computer or give you a ride to a location shoot. Don't assume that we will be able to spend a lot of time training. We hire experts in their fields because we don't have the time or the skills to do what you do in-house.
11. Do what you say you're going to do, but if you run into challenges, tell me. If the scope expands beyond the budget we agreed upon, beyond your skills or beyond the timeline, tell me. I see this mistake all the time. Rather than raise a flag, people will get frustrated or feel resentful that they are doing more than they bargained for. I never want to take advantage of your time or make you do more work than I'm paying for, but I don't know what your limits are unless you tell me. I'm happy to push back for more time or more budget if there is a legitimate case for it.
12. This industry is in constant flux. A project very rarely hits every milestone and deliverable exactly as expected. There needs to be flexibility of mind on both sides to be successful.
13. Meet your deadlines to the best of your ability. If you consistently delay or miss deadlines, or don't communicate, it doesn't matter how talented you are, we won't ask you back for another project. And word gets around.
14. Leave a positive impression. A good attitude is the key to doing exactly what you want to do in the world. I will hire someone who has a great attitude and is resourceful over the most talented person with an entitled attitude any day.
15. And if you work with me and you don't have a good experience, for whatever reason, don't blog about me or my company by name. It's a smaller town than you think.
I'm often juggling multiple projects at a time, and I always need help with something. If you are freelancing - the work is out there, go for it! It's not easy to get started or to know the right way to handle things, so I hope these guidelines are helpful. Good luck and see you out there!
Epilogue
Look, I thought we could be friends, and I tried, but I was wrong. It’s not for lack of connection or affection, it’s just not going to work out. I’d love to crawl inside your mind, just for a quick visit, to find the answer to this question – What the hell are you thinking?
Seriously, I don’t see what you see when you make the requests that you do. I can’t fathom why you think I would bargain for that. Is it an inability to step back from the situation and see it for what it is? Or do you want what you want so badly that feedback from the other party doesn’t matter? Is it desperation or arrogance? I’m not sure what it is but believe me when I say I don’t want any part of it.
I don’t even think you want what you think you want, or that you have a grasp on what you’re asking for. I think you have an alternate reality going on in your mind, one that you believe is completely true and attainable. What’s sad is that you will never get it, because it doesn’t exist. No one is going to come in and take that pain away for you, or reverse what has already begun to destroy your sanity. No one can fulfill that fantasy, even if they wanted to. It’s tragic, but it’s true.
I don’t mean to say that you deserve to suffer, that you should suffer, or that you should suffer alone. You have to find the love in the world where it is. You can’t demand that it come to you in a certain gift-wrapped package, ready to sacrifice itself to give you everything you need RIGHT NOW. If you insist on this and this only, you will suffer more, and end up lonely.
You have to find the love in the world where it is. It’s there, but it’s destroyed by desperation. Love often doesn’t look like we expect it to, and most of the great love I’ve known in this life had nothing to do with romance, urgency or possession. You’re going about it all wrong, my friend, but it is there. I hope you recognize it when you see it.
Seriously, I don’t see what you see when you make the requests that you do. I can’t fathom why you think I would bargain for that. Is it an inability to step back from the situation and see it for what it is? Or do you want what you want so badly that feedback from the other party doesn’t matter? Is it desperation or arrogance? I’m not sure what it is but believe me when I say I don’t want any part of it.
I don’t even think you want what you think you want, or that you have a grasp on what you’re asking for. I think you have an alternate reality going on in your mind, one that you believe is completely true and attainable. What’s sad is that you will never get it, because it doesn’t exist. No one is going to come in and take that pain away for you, or reverse what has already begun to destroy your sanity. No one can fulfill that fantasy, even if they wanted to. It’s tragic, but it’s true.
I don’t mean to say that you deserve to suffer, that you should suffer, or that you should suffer alone. You have to find the love in the world where it is. You can’t demand that it come to you in a certain gift-wrapped package, ready to sacrifice itself to give you everything you need RIGHT NOW. If you insist on this and this only, you will suffer more, and end up lonely.
You have to find the love in the world where it is. It’s there, but it’s destroyed by desperation. Love often doesn’t look like we expect it to, and most of the great love I’ve known in this life had nothing to do with romance, urgency or possession. You’re going about it all wrong, my friend, but it is there. I hope you recognize it when you see it.
Monday, October 5, 2009
What Lies Beneath
Seriously, I think I'm on my last legs with working so many events in a row. I had the anxiety dream to beat all anxiety dreams last night. It was the first of three very vivid and symbolic (?) dreams.
Dream #1
Marty and I were doing an event (this is nothing new) with Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft. The crew was sparse, so I had to be the tape op and roll the video on Mr. Ballmer's cue. The trick is that the tape decks were on stage for some reason, so when the time came, I would have to go on stage and push play on the right tape in the right deck. I had extreme anxiety about this. I didn't want to go on stage, especially with Steve Ballmer! I'm not a tape op anymore and don't they have a department handling this anyway?
The show got underway and I realized that I didn't really pay enough attention to the instructions and the chance of me getting it right was slim. I tried to explain to Marty that it would be better to somehow sneak up on stage when the exec wasn't looking, take the tape and bring it to the truck where they could roll it no problem. Marty was not sympathetic to my problem and had the attitude of "just handle it". I felt that even though this was not my job, if I screwed it up it could be career-ending.
But by the time I got to the stage, it was too late. He had already called the cue and there I was, back to the audience facing the tape deck, sweating bullets, trying to figure out which tape to push play on. The whole world waited. I knew I was going to do it wrong.
Dream #2
I was on my way to work and my car started to slow down and pull to the left. I managed to get it into the parking lot of a gas station, where I discovered that I had a flat tire. I was contemplating whether I could fix it myself or if I had to call AAA. I thought it better that I call someone.
Dream #3
I moved to Bothell and I was ok with it. I was contemplating what the effect on my commute and social life would be. This one seems kind of unconsequential, doesn't it? Still, I remember it so it must have some significance.
Sometimes it just doesn't pay to sleep too long...
Dream #1
Marty and I were doing an event (this is nothing new) with Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft. The crew was sparse, so I had to be the tape op and roll the video on Mr. Ballmer's cue. The trick is that the tape decks were on stage for some reason, so when the time came, I would have to go on stage and push play on the right tape in the right deck. I had extreme anxiety about this. I didn't want to go on stage, especially with Steve Ballmer! I'm not a tape op anymore and don't they have a department handling this anyway?
The show got underway and I realized that I didn't really pay enough attention to the instructions and the chance of me getting it right was slim. I tried to explain to Marty that it would be better to somehow sneak up on stage when the exec wasn't looking, take the tape and bring it to the truck where they could roll it no problem. Marty was not sympathetic to my problem and had the attitude of "just handle it". I felt that even though this was not my job, if I screwed it up it could be career-ending.
But by the time I got to the stage, it was too late. He had already called the cue and there I was, back to the audience facing the tape deck, sweating bullets, trying to figure out which tape to push play on. The whole world waited. I knew I was going to do it wrong.
Dream #2
I was on my way to work and my car started to slow down and pull to the left. I managed to get it into the parking lot of a gas station, where I discovered that I had a flat tire. I was contemplating whether I could fix it myself or if I had to call AAA. I thought it better that I call someone.
Dream #3
I moved to Bothell and I was ok with it. I was contemplating what the effect on my commute and social life would be. This one seems kind of unconsequential, doesn't it? Still, I remember it so it must have some significance.
Sometimes it just doesn't pay to sleep too long...
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Flashback
When I was 21, I worked at a warehouse equipment company in Renton. I started as a file clerk and was unwisely promoted to sales coordinator. I say unwisely for two reasons.
One, I was 21 and all I was really interested in was writing poetry, partying and experiencing life. A job was not a career, it was a means to an end.
The other reason is that they promoted me but did not train me, and thus, I didn't do a very good job coordinating sales & installations. I tried, but being the youngest and only female member of a 13 person sales team just wasn't my cup of tea back then. That was probably the only time in my life that I didn't take work seriously.
Eventually I moved to Capitol Hill and quit that job to work at the Chicken Soup Brigade (helping people living with AIDS). They all made fun of me and mocked me for going to work in a soup kitchen (it was actually a thrift store), but that just made me feel better about my decision to get away from the rampant social ignorance in the sales environment.
I was thinking yesterday about how far I've come since then, and how entangled my identity is with my career now. Because of all that "experiencing life", I found what my true passions were and have made a good living since then doing just that. All of those young sharp salesmen would be surprised, I think, at what I've made of myself.
I had a really vivid dream last night that I went back to work there. It wasn't in the same capacity but I was confident and talented. I was walking through the office, seeing the now aging faces of all the salesmen that I had worked with. I was wondering if or when they would recognize me and if they would be impressed with my work. Even though warehouse equipment isn't my thing, I was sure that I could knock it out of the park for them, being the professional that I am.
If I can help it, I'll never have just a means-to-an-end job again. Hopefully I'll have the luxury of meaningful work in this life. But even if I don't, I feel like I know the value of work and my own worth now, where I didn't before. It's all an evolution. I think my subconscious was giving a shout-out to that revelation, and I appreciate that!
One, I was 21 and all I was really interested in was writing poetry, partying and experiencing life. A job was not a career, it was a means to an end.
The other reason is that they promoted me but did not train me, and thus, I didn't do a very good job coordinating sales & installations. I tried, but being the youngest and only female member of a 13 person sales team just wasn't my cup of tea back then. That was probably the only time in my life that I didn't take work seriously.
Eventually I moved to Capitol Hill and quit that job to work at the Chicken Soup Brigade (helping people living with AIDS). They all made fun of me and mocked me for going to work in a soup kitchen (it was actually a thrift store), but that just made me feel better about my decision to get away from the rampant social ignorance in the sales environment.
I was thinking yesterday about how far I've come since then, and how entangled my identity is with my career now. Because of all that "experiencing life", I found what my true passions were and have made a good living since then doing just that. All of those young sharp salesmen would be surprised, I think, at what I've made of myself.
I had a really vivid dream last night that I went back to work there. It wasn't in the same capacity but I was confident and talented. I was walking through the office, seeing the now aging faces of all the salesmen that I had worked with. I was wondering if or when they would recognize me and if they would be impressed with my work. Even though warehouse equipment isn't my thing, I was sure that I could knock it out of the park for them, being the professional that I am.
If I can help it, I'll never have just a means-to-an-end job again. Hopefully I'll have the luxury of meaningful work in this life. But even if I don't, I feel like I know the value of work and my own worth now, where I didn't before. It's all an evolution. I think my subconscious was giving a shout-out to that revelation, and I appreciate that!
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Witness
You have a narrative in this world from the moment you are conceived. It is created, developed and nurtured by everyone you come in contact with. It's richness and soul is in every interaction. You cannot control it, elaborate on it or edit it, although we all try to.
At the end of your time in this world, all of your people will bear witness to your having been here, and your effect upon their lives. In sharing these stories with each other, all of your people will come to know you in ways they never imagined, in ways you could never imagine. Your narrative will blossom and you will live on in legend, and in their hearts as long as your people remain.
At the end of your time in this world, all of your people will bear witness to your having been here, and your effect upon their lives. In sharing these stories with each other, all of your people will come to know you in ways they never imagined, in ways you could never imagine. Your narrative will blossom and you will live on in legend, and in their hearts as long as your people remain.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Got Any Change?
The Mercer on ramp is always rife with colorful characters. By characters, I mean panhandlers for a lack of a better word. Bum or beggar seems too rude. Sometimes when the light hits just right, I end up stopping right next to one of these guys. Sometimes I give change if I have it and sometimes I just wish them happiness and health.
I had seen this particular character before. I always wonder about these young ones. Are they just begging for sport or for some rebellion against working for the man, or are they really in trouble? I wonder, because I’ve known people like this. This guy was one of the bold ones, walking right up to my window.
With a mouthful of Cheetos, he held out his hand and asked me if I had any change. I handed him a handful. He was impressed, and then he fell in love with me. He told me repeatedly that I was beautiful. When I did not speed away or roll up my window, he took it as an invitation to come on over. He leaned on my window and looked in my car. He noticed the Buddha hanging from my mirror and he noticed my wedding ring.
He asked me if I was rich, and I said definitely not. With a ring like that, you must be, or he must love you. Does he love you? I looked him in the eye. He was dirty, but good-looking. He didn’t look particularly crazy or desperate. He looked like someone I might have hung out with in the old days. He does love me, I said, and smiled. He smiled too and then said, as the light changed, I’d love you too as pretty as you are.
And you know what? I took it as a compliment, and I was flattered. I’m not amazingly beautiful or magnificently kind, but I do try to see the decency in people and treat them with respect. I don’t care if he was just working me for money or he was just high. I feel like giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting the affection. I say, pay it forward. It goes a lot further than a handful of change.
I had seen this particular character before. I always wonder about these young ones. Are they just begging for sport or for some rebellion against working for the man, or are they really in trouble? I wonder, because I’ve known people like this. This guy was one of the bold ones, walking right up to my window.
With a mouthful of Cheetos, he held out his hand and asked me if I had any change. I handed him a handful. He was impressed, and then he fell in love with me. He told me repeatedly that I was beautiful. When I did not speed away or roll up my window, he took it as an invitation to come on over. He leaned on my window and looked in my car. He noticed the Buddha hanging from my mirror and he noticed my wedding ring.
He asked me if I was rich, and I said definitely not. With a ring like that, you must be, or he must love you. Does he love you? I looked him in the eye. He was dirty, but good-looking. He didn’t look particularly crazy or desperate. He looked like someone I might have hung out with in the old days. He does love me, I said, and smiled. He smiled too and then said, as the light changed, I’d love you too as pretty as you are.
And you know what? I took it as a compliment, and I was flattered. I’m not amazingly beautiful or magnificently kind, but I do try to see the decency in people and treat them with respect. I don’t care if he was just working me for money or he was just high. I feel like giving him the benefit of the doubt and accepting the affection. I say, pay it forward. It goes a lot further than a handful of change.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
Things I Never Want To Do
Sometimes I get all worked up about the things I need to do. Well today I'm going to let myself off the hook and just make a list of the things I never want to do. So the to-do list doesn't seem so long, see.
1. I never want to climb a mountain. I know they're there and I respect that. I just don't want to climb one, or train to climb one, or risk my life on one. That's not the kind of adventure I'm into.
2. I never want to be President. Too stressful and too much BS.
3. I never want to live long enough to lose all my faculties. Or be a 21 year old cat, for that matter.
4. I never want to think that I have to cake my face with makeup and wear teeny clothes to impress men. (Side Note: I never want to walk around Greenlake in high heels.) I'm not sure it's that impressive and it's waaaay too much effort for the perceived payoff. Call me lazy, but I think I've done ok without it.
5. I never want to gain a ton of weight out of laziness and not caring.
6. I never want to be so arrogant that I think I have nothing to learn or that other people are here to serve me.
7. I never want to own fish, a lizard or a snake. Reptiles and what-not should be outside where they belong.
8. I never want to make so much money that it becomes my main goal in life, or to chase the carrot of material possessions. I'm not a saint and I like my comforts, but I can also scale if I need to.
9. I never want to be faithless.
10. I never want to live in a shack with cars and junk in the yard with weeds up to my knees. That might be some people's thing, but it's not mine. If I live in a shack, it's going to be a tidy shack.
11. I never want to be involved in extreme sports, or advanced pretzel yoga. Sounds like a lot of work and a lot of risk. I'm not adverse to work or risk, I would just rather spend that energy elsewhere.
12. Speaking of work, I never want my life to be consumed by it. I am lucky to have a career that I enjoy, but working to make other people rich is not my main mission in life.
13. I never want to be a jackass.
14. I never want to kill anyone for any reason.
15. I never want to own a boat.
I feel so much lighter now!
1. I never want to climb a mountain. I know they're there and I respect that. I just don't want to climb one, or train to climb one, or risk my life on one. That's not the kind of adventure I'm into.
2. I never want to be President. Too stressful and too much BS.
3. I never want to live long enough to lose all my faculties. Or be a 21 year old cat, for that matter.
4. I never want to think that I have to cake my face with makeup and wear teeny clothes to impress men. (Side Note: I never want to walk around Greenlake in high heels.) I'm not sure it's that impressive and it's waaaay too much effort for the perceived payoff. Call me lazy, but I think I've done ok without it.
5. I never want to gain a ton of weight out of laziness and not caring.
6. I never want to be so arrogant that I think I have nothing to learn or that other people are here to serve me.
7. I never want to own fish, a lizard or a snake. Reptiles and what-not should be outside where they belong.
8. I never want to make so much money that it becomes my main goal in life, or to chase the carrot of material possessions. I'm not a saint and I like my comforts, but I can also scale if I need to.
9. I never want to be faithless.
10. I never want to live in a shack with cars and junk in the yard with weeds up to my knees. That might be some people's thing, but it's not mine. If I live in a shack, it's going to be a tidy shack.
11. I never want to be involved in extreme sports, or advanced pretzel yoga. Sounds like a lot of work and a lot of risk. I'm not adverse to work or risk, I would just rather spend that energy elsewhere.
12. Speaking of work, I never want my life to be consumed by it. I am lucky to have a career that I enjoy, but working to make other people rich is not my main mission in life.
13. I never want to be a jackass.
14. I never want to kill anyone for any reason.
15. I never want to own a boat.
I feel so much lighter now!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Judge and Jury
Am I responsible for how my art is received by another person? If I write something for reason of expression and someone has a negative emotional response to it, am I required to feel guilty about it?
I've come to a point in my life where I feel that I don't have to be ashamed for what I am or for what I express. It's a process, right? Although I very rarely do anything with the intention to harm someone else, sometimes, out of ignorance or inexperience, I do. I can own up to that, apologize, learn from it and determine to change my ways. But I do not, ever, have to be ashamed of who I am in my process. Guilt and shame are completely counterproductive and regressive emotions. You can be accountable for your actions without punishing yourself with hateful emotions.
It's difficult for me to express my most intimate and honest thoughts directly. I have to summon my courage to put it out there, to surrender to it. I give myself full permission to explore certain aspects of myself without judgment or censorship. The truth of who I am is in constant flux and I accept that. I honor it even though sometimes it's not pretty or clean or logical.
It is surprising and disappointing to find that people don't even consider this flexibility of mind for themselves or for the people around them. If we can't express who we are with our friends - the good, bad & ugly - are they really our friends? What qualifies one person to stand in judgment of another?
I promise you I am not whatever you think I am.
I've come to a point in my life where I feel that I don't have to be ashamed for what I am or for what I express. It's a process, right? Although I very rarely do anything with the intention to harm someone else, sometimes, out of ignorance or inexperience, I do. I can own up to that, apologize, learn from it and determine to change my ways. But I do not, ever, have to be ashamed of who I am in my process. Guilt and shame are completely counterproductive and regressive emotions. You can be accountable for your actions without punishing yourself with hateful emotions.
It's difficult for me to express my most intimate and honest thoughts directly. I have to summon my courage to put it out there, to surrender to it. I give myself full permission to explore certain aspects of myself without judgment or censorship. The truth of who I am is in constant flux and I accept that. I honor it even though sometimes it's not pretty or clean or logical.
It is surprising and disappointing to find that people don't even consider this flexibility of mind for themselves or for the people around them. If we can't express who we are with our friends - the good, bad & ugly - are they really our friends? What qualifies one person to stand in judgment of another?
I promise you I am not whatever you think I am.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Freedom: A Perspective
I was sitting in a ReelGrrls board meeting this evening and I get so inspired about the work that they do. I wish I could just jump in and help them with all my might. Of course I can do that energetically, but it's just not practical money or timewise for me to be able to give everything I would like. Right now.
So that got me thinking. What would my life have to look like for me to be able to do whatever I wanted in the world? I like working, I like what I do and I love the company I work for now. But how could I get to the point where I could do ANYTHING and what would that be like? I'm usually so absorbed in what's in front of my face that I don't often take the time to dare to dream. It's unfortunate.
Of course, I would need to be funded. I don't have any rich elderly relatives, and I make good money but only enough to support my household. If and when I do retire I'll probably have enough to live modestly. I don't know where this money would come from, but that doesn't mean it won't come, right? It could.
The real element I lack, and this is surprising for me to admit, is the inner freedom to let myself go there. If I truly wanted to, I could arrange my life differently so that the financial burden wouldn't be my number one obstacle. It's not anyway. The obstacle is my mind. It might be shocking to my system, but if I gave myself permission I could do anything. I am surprised by this realization because this inner freedom is how I've gotten to where I am now, but somehow I got complacent and locked into the belief that this is all I am. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am so much more. How can I unwind it?
If I could have anything I wanted, I wouldn't work to make other people rich. I would work only motivated by doing good. I would be able to offer myself up to ReelGrrls as a volunteer or staff member. I would do as much for Dharma as time allowed. I would travel the world and break myself out of my white middle-class capitalist complacency. I would take the time to have a family and then have the luxury of time to raise them. I would smell the roses.
All of this thinking led me to this - right now, I have everything I will ever need and so much more than I ever thought I would. I can't enjoy all the material things life has to offer, and if I do have kids it will be a struggle. But so what.
Just the desire to be a force in improving the lives of others is freedom in itself. That desire says that I am so fortunate in this world, that I am able to rise above my own problems and take a look around. There is nothing wrong with my lot in life. If I have to work until the day I die and I never experience that windfall I think I need, I can spend every one of those days with the intention to benefit those less fortunate. It's not what you do, it's the mind you do it with.
So that got me thinking. What would my life have to look like for me to be able to do whatever I wanted in the world? I like working, I like what I do and I love the company I work for now. But how could I get to the point where I could do ANYTHING and what would that be like? I'm usually so absorbed in what's in front of my face that I don't often take the time to dare to dream. It's unfortunate.
Of course, I would need to be funded. I don't have any rich elderly relatives, and I make good money but only enough to support my household. If and when I do retire I'll probably have enough to live modestly. I don't know where this money would come from, but that doesn't mean it won't come, right? It could.
The real element I lack, and this is surprising for me to admit, is the inner freedom to let myself go there. If I truly wanted to, I could arrange my life differently so that the financial burden wouldn't be my number one obstacle. It's not anyway. The obstacle is my mind. It might be shocking to my system, but if I gave myself permission I could do anything. I am surprised by this realization because this inner freedom is how I've gotten to where I am now, but somehow I got complacent and locked into the belief that this is all I am. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am so much more. How can I unwind it?
If I could have anything I wanted, I wouldn't work to make other people rich. I would work only motivated by doing good. I would be able to offer myself up to ReelGrrls as a volunteer or staff member. I would do as much for Dharma as time allowed. I would travel the world and break myself out of my white middle-class capitalist complacency. I would take the time to have a family and then have the luxury of time to raise them. I would smell the roses.
All of this thinking led me to this - right now, I have everything I will ever need and so much more than I ever thought I would. I can't enjoy all the material things life has to offer, and if I do have kids it will be a struggle. But so what.
Just the desire to be a force in improving the lives of others is freedom in itself. That desire says that I am so fortunate in this world, that I am able to rise above my own problems and take a look around. There is nothing wrong with my lot in life. If I have to work until the day I die and I never experience that windfall I think I need, I can spend every one of those days with the intention to benefit those less fortunate. It's not what you do, it's the mind you do it with.
Monday, May 11, 2009
Why The Dissin'?
I was at the Post Office on Saturday. It was as to be expected - long line and lotsa slowness. When you step into the PO, just be prepared to take it at a slower pace.
Also be prepared for a cesspool of disrespect. People are impatient and rude a lot in the Post Office. You hear a lot about people "going postal" and when you see how postal employees get treated by the crazy public, it's not surprising.
The guy at the counter was there to pick some mail he'd missed at his house. Apparently it had been re-delivered to his house. But he wasn't having any of it. At top volume he was shouting at the clerk, telling her that she is wrong, he lives at his house and it's not there. Nice. Real nice. Another employee came out to help and the two of them went back into the warehouse to look for it. They didn't come back for a long, long time.
A couple of customers later, another guy was explaining to a different clerk (also at the top of his lungs) step-by-step how she needed to scan and handle his parcel, and then how to take his money. Now, maybe she was new and granted she didn't speak English very well, but no one deserves to be told how to do their job by a customer in such a condescending authoritative tone.
To make it all the more entertaining, the first guy, who was still waiting for the clerk to re-emerge from the back, whispered under his breath, "What a dick!"
It's just mail, people! No need to get so worked up!
Also be prepared for a cesspool of disrespect. People are impatient and rude a lot in the Post Office. You hear a lot about people "going postal" and when you see how postal employees get treated by the crazy public, it's not surprising.
The guy at the counter was there to pick some mail he'd missed at his house. Apparently it had been re-delivered to his house. But he wasn't having any of it. At top volume he was shouting at the clerk, telling her that she is wrong, he lives at his house and it's not there. Nice. Real nice. Another employee came out to help and the two of them went back into the warehouse to look for it. They didn't come back for a long, long time.
A couple of customers later, another guy was explaining to a different clerk (also at the top of his lungs) step-by-step how she needed to scan and handle his parcel, and then how to take his money. Now, maybe she was new and granted she didn't speak English very well, but no one deserves to be told how to do their job by a customer in such a condescending authoritative tone.
To make it all the more entertaining, the first guy, who was still waiting for the clerk to re-emerge from the back, whispered under his breath, "What a dick!"
It's just mail, people! No need to get so worked up!
Friday, April 17, 2009
Effort
The other day I weighed in and I had lost .2 lbs. I felt that was a huge victory, considering I put very little effort into losing weight. Sure, I watch what I eat and occasionally walk down the block, but other than that I usually just indulge my anxious or emotional eating or whatever you call it, and usually I sleep in or putter around rather than exercise.
I have a conflict inside me that says I "should" be healthier and leaner, and it also says I "shouldn't" focus so much on the pressures of the perfect body. This has been going on since I was, oh, 13 or so, and I keep hoping the whole image thing will just right itself, but so far it hasn't.
It's all about the effort. The most obvious equation is effort=results. DUH. I feel ridiculous even writing that. This is fundamental. We learn it at birth. Somehow, I've gotten so complacent and lazy, that I expect things to just change even though I put forth very little effort. Magically, the pounds will just shed off and my (motivation for) meditation practice will just rev back up all on it's own. Just because I will it to. I shouldn't have to do anything, I work hard enough already!
Maybe I'm working too hard on the wrong things. Maybe this strange idea of "taking care of yourself" has some merit. I'll have to work on that. There we go again with the work! Maybe I need to relax into it, deeply understand the benefits and make it meaningful. Otherwise, I'll just go along the same slippery slope forever and die with a blobby body and a disturbed mind! I really don't want that. I was meant for better things than this. I'm pretty sure.
I have a conflict inside me that says I "should" be healthier and leaner, and it also says I "shouldn't" focus so much on the pressures of the perfect body. This has been going on since I was, oh, 13 or so, and I keep hoping the whole image thing will just right itself, but so far it hasn't.
It's all about the effort. The most obvious equation is effort=results. DUH. I feel ridiculous even writing that. This is fundamental. We learn it at birth. Somehow, I've gotten so complacent and lazy, that I expect things to just change even though I put forth very little effort. Magically, the pounds will just shed off and my (motivation for) meditation practice will just rev back up all on it's own. Just because I will it to. I shouldn't have to do anything, I work hard enough already!
Maybe I'm working too hard on the wrong things. Maybe this strange idea of "taking care of yourself" has some merit. I'll have to work on that. There we go again with the work! Maybe I need to relax into it, deeply understand the benefits and make it meaningful. Otherwise, I'll just go along the same slippery slope forever and die with a blobby body and a disturbed mind! I really don't want that. I was meant for better things than this. I'm pretty sure.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Escape
I spent considerable time in my mind the other night trying to figure out how I would get out of my house if there was an invasion of some sort. This wasn't conscious thought, so relax, I'm not paranoid or crazy (much, consciously, anyway).
In my dream I thought I heard someone come in the house and head toward my bedroom. I looked over and thought, well, I'll just quietly slip out the sliding glass door here. No one will know, and I can get away without being harmed. I played this over in my mind until I was convinced it was a sound plan.
I spent even more time pondering where I would hide the key to my house so I could get back in later when the danger was gone. It is far too inconvenient where it is now, and someone would surely notice me getting it. It would be way better if it were right outside the sliding glass door, maybe in the garden, so I could just grab it on my way out. Very sneaky.
I have to tell you, I don't have a sliding glass door in my bedroom, or a garden outside to hide the key. I'm not in any particular danger of a home invasion, no more than most I suppose. I must be feeling threatened by something unknown or feeling the need to make an escape plan. This is one of these subtle puzzles in my mind, something I will chew on and untangle later.
Of course it could also be that I'm just reading too many vampire books!
In my dream I thought I heard someone come in the house and head toward my bedroom. I looked over and thought, well, I'll just quietly slip out the sliding glass door here. No one will know, and I can get away without being harmed. I played this over in my mind until I was convinced it was a sound plan.
I spent even more time pondering where I would hide the key to my house so I could get back in later when the danger was gone. It is far too inconvenient where it is now, and someone would surely notice me getting it. It would be way better if it were right outside the sliding glass door, maybe in the garden, so I could just grab it on my way out. Very sneaky.
I have to tell you, I don't have a sliding glass door in my bedroom, or a garden outside to hide the key. I'm not in any particular danger of a home invasion, no more than most I suppose. I must be feeling threatened by something unknown or feeling the need to make an escape plan. This is one of these subtle puzzles in my mind, something I will chew on and untangle later.
Of course it could also be that I'm just reading too many vampire books!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Surrender
Surrender, he says.
Good word.
Surrender is not just giving up, it's giving in. Giving yourself over to your fears, or giving up a fight or letting yourself be loved. Surrender is an active state.
It's not one I'm very good at. I like to be in control, you see. I am the boss of me. I don't know what will happen if I let you win, if I let you in. Will I be less of myself if I admit you're right, if I let you into my heart, if I let my guard down even a little bit?
Will you take advantage of me? Will you break down the walls that I've carefully constructed? Will you steal my soul, reveal my weaknesses?
So this leads to the real issue - faith. What do I believe in and where does my strength come from? If I am truly solid in myself, in my values, in my beliefs, then it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. It doesn't matter if I'm right, or in control, or if I'm caught with my pants down, my most private parts exposed.
If I have faith that I'll be alright, I will. If I can be strong enough in myself to be vulnerable too, I just might learn something. I just might know you more deeply and honestly. If I have the faith to surrender and my life is made richer by sharing it with you, won't that make me more of myself?
Isn't that the whole point?
Good word.
Surrender is not just giving up, it's giving in. Giving yourself over to your fears, or giving up a fight or letting yourself be loved. Surrender is an active state.
It's not one I'm very good at. I like to be in control, you see. I am the boss of me. I don't know what will happen if I let you win, if I let you in. Will I be less of myself if I admit you're right, if I let you into my heart, if I let my guard down even a little bit?
Will you take advantage of me? Will you break down the walls that I've carefully constructed? Will you steal my soul, reveal my weaknesses?
So this leads to the real issue - faith. What do I believe in and where does my strength come from? If I am truly solid in myself, in my values, in my beliefs, then it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. It doesn't matter if I'm right, or in control, or if I'm caught with my pants down, my most private parts exposed.
If I have faith that I'll be alright, I will. If I can be strong enough in myself to be vulnerable too, I just might learn something. I just might know you more deeply and honestly. If I have the faith to surrender and my life is made richer by sharing it with you, won't that make me more of myself?
Isn't that the whole point?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Refuge
We were visiting a friend of Jeff’s from Bremerton. We were in a shack, one room with cement floors and we were staying the night. I was surprisingly cozy, just sleeping on my coat. In the morning a woman (someone’s wife) was in a huge hurry to get us out of there and we left.
I was driving away on a motorcycle going to a campground kind of far away. I was alone. There was a huge lake to the east. The shack must have been near the shore of this lake. I was driving on country roads with not much traffic, and I was going toward the campground. It had a very specific name but I couldn’t remember it. Somehow I got lost.
I stopped off at this house where there were familiar people who I trusted. It’s not clear who these people were but I was comforted by them. They couldn’t give me directions to where I was going because I couldn’t articulate where I was trying to get to. I thought I could just drive out and figure it out and I tried a couple of times but kept going back to this house for reassurance. I enjoyed visiting but had to be on my way. I knew that I could get there on my own, and was willing to try but would accept help if there was any. It didn’t look like there was.
I saw someone there who was threatening to me and I tried to avert his gaze, but he knew I was there. There was a sudden urgency to get out. I went to the back room to find my motorcycle, which had turned into an expensive bike. It wasn’t there. I knew he was sabotaging me and I was angry. I turned to confront him and he was smirking. I was yelling at him to give my bike back. He wanted to know what I was so upset about and I was yelling at him, accusing him of being abusive and telling him that I would no longer tolerate it. I was finding my strength.
So there are a lot of worldly influences in this dream but basically I think the message is: You can find your path, you just have to have the courage to walk it. You need to know where your refuge is and stand up against that which harms you. The answers are there, you just need to trust and listen.
I was driving away on a motorcycle going to a campground kind of far away. I was alone. There was a huge lake to the east. The shack must have been near the shore of this lake. I was driving on country roads with not much traffic, and I was going toward the campground. It had a very specific name but I couldn’t remember it. Somehow I got lost.
I stopped off at this house where there were familiar people who I trusted. It’s not clear who these people were but I was comforted by them. They couldn’t give me directions to where I was going because I couldn’t articulate where I was trying to get to. I thought I could just drive out and figure it out and I tried a couple of times but kept going back to this house for reassurance. I enjoyed visiting but had to be on my way. I knew that I could get there on my own, and was willing to try but would accept help if there was any. It didn’t look like there was.
I saw someone there who was threatening to me and I tried to avert his gaze, but he knew I was there. There was a sudden urgency to get out. I went to the back room to find my motorcycle, which had turned into an expensive bike. It wasn’t there. I knew he was sabotaging me and I was angry. I turned to confront him and he was smirking. I was yelling at him to give my bike back. He wanted to know what I was so upset about and I was yelling at him, accusing him of being abusive and telling him that I would no longer tolerate it. I was finding my strength.
So there are a lot of worldly influences in this dream but basically I think the message is: You can find your path, you just have to have the courage to walk it. You need to know where your refuge is and stand up against that which harms you. The answers are there, you just need to trust and listen.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Long Lost
Why are you haunting me now?
I'm ok to let you go now
I just wanted to find you
And tell you
I'm not like I was
I don't need to own you
I would like to help you
To love you from afar
I don't think I can though
You have this fence around you
And I won't interfere
But I'm here
When you're free
Until then
Please stop haunting me
I'm ok to let you go now
I just wanted to find you
And tell you
I'm not like I was
I don't need to own you
I would like to help you
To love you from afar
I don't think I can though
You have this fence around you
And I won't interfere
But I'm here
When you're free
Until then
Please stop haunting me
Talk To The Hand
I recently gave someone the advice to trust their instincts. As I wrote it, it rang in my head. This is something I don't do enough of. Due to my accepting and forgiving nature, I somehow missed a filter that said - Hey, if this seems crazy or dangerous, it probably is.
Just yesterday, I blocked all communication from not one, but two people who were causing chaos in my life. This is huge for me. I'm a sucker for a suffering soul and I don't ever want people to feel rejected by me. There's enough of that in the world, right?
Yes, and....some people are toxic because of their unhappiness, isolation and self-absorption. If you meet anyone like this and let them in to your heart, take note: If it seems to threaten or obliterate your boundaries, it's not healthy, and you should run.
I've lived for a while and I should know this, I do know this, but sometimes my dark adventurous side feels indulgent, bored or curious. I need to find a better outlet.
If you're not sure, ask yourself - How do I feel with this person in my life? For me, I was conflicted, confused, desperate and strangely inspired. All my delusions were being encouraged and it was stressful.
How do I feel now that they're gone? Relieved, relaxed and wonderfully inspired. I can still have compassion for their suffering and pray for their happiness. But I don't have to be caught up in the spin. It's not good for me and it certainly doesn't help them.
I've lived a while, but not so long that I can't learn a good hard lesson every once in a while. I'm thankful for that.
Just yesterday, I blocked all communication from not one, but two people who were causing chaos in my life. This is huge for me. I'm a sucker for a suffering soul and I don't ever want people to feel rejected by me. There's enough of that in the world, right?
Yes, and....some people are toxic because of their unhappiness, isolation and self-absorption. If you meet anyone like this and let them in to your heart, take note: If it seems to threaten or obliterate your boundaries, it's not healthy, and you should run.
I've lived for a while and I should know this, I do know this, but sometimes my dark adventurous side feels indulgent, bored or curious. I need to find a better outlet.
If you're not sure, ask yourself - How do I feel with this person in my life? For me, I was conflicted, confused, desperate and strangely inspired. All my delusions were being encouraged and it was stressful.
How do I feel now that they're gone? Relieved, relaxed and wonderfully inspired. I can still have compassion for their suffering and pray for their happiness. But I don't have to be caught up in the spin. It's not good for me and it certainly doesn't help them.
I've lived a while, but not so long that I can't learn a good hard lesson every once in a while. I'm thankful for that.
Friday, February 20, 2009
Flow
I betray myself by staying stuck
By not having the courage
To take the first step forward
By not having the faith
To believe that I can affect change
Deep down
So that I can be free from my trappings
I can be whatever I want
I just have to truly want it
Part of me just wants to stay sick
Because I think it's easy
When in reality
It takes far more energy and effort
To stay the same
This is what drives me to exhaustion
Change is the natural current
And I am swimming against it with all my might
Clinging desperately
To rocks and logs and wayward branches
Because I don't know
Where the rushing river leads
And I don't trust my life jacket
So the trick is letting go
Without letting go of what's important
Letting go with action
Rather than complacency or denial
I don't know how to do that
It's always been such a fight to survive
Happiness is a temporary, hard-won battle
I've gotten all turned around somehow
I can't see the exit sign
I'm not even sure it's still there
I betray myself by believing in my delusions
Believing they're real
And that they rule
That is the most dangerous, self-defeating thought there is
I can't believe I'm letting it win
Looking away
Is not the same as crushing it
I just need to pick up the hammer
By not having the courage
To take the first step forward
By not having the faith
To believe that I can affect change
Deep down
So that I can be free from my trappings
I can be whatever I want
I just have to truly want it
Part of me just wants to stay sick
Because I think it's easy
When in reality
It takes far more energy and effort
To stay the same
This is what drives me to exhaustion
Change is the natural current
And I am swimming against it with all my might
Clinging desperately
To rocks and logs and wayward branches
Because I don't know
Where the rushing river leads
And I don't trust my life jacket
So the trick is letting go
Without letting go of what's important
Letting go with action
Rather than complacency or denial
I don't know how to do that
It's always been such a fight to survive
Happiness is a temporary, hard-won battle
I've gotten all turned around somehow
I can't see the exit sign
I'm not even sure it's still there
I betray myself by believing in my delusions
Believing they're real
And that they rule
That is the most dangerous, self-defeating thought there is
I can't believe I'm letting it win
Looking away
Is not the same as crushing it
I just need to pick up the hammer
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Ocean
I went to the end of the world to pour my sorrows into the ocean, to ask the ocean to wash them away so that I could be free and move on. The ocean, however, is a busy place and though it was kind enough to listen, it didn't reply in the way that I had expected.
Your sorrows, said the ocean, do not exist. They are of your own making. You can leave them here, but if you do not do the hard work to believe what I just told you, they will just return. I can do the hard work, I thought, I can change.
Of course I didn't need to come all the way here to know this, but I'm glad I did. I thought I might stay until sunset, and maybe I should have, but I didn't go for the sun. I went for the ocean and the ocean did not disappoint.
Your sorrows, said the ocean, do not exist. They are of your own making. You can leave them here, but if you do not do the hard work to believe what I just told you, they will just return. I can do the hard work, I thought, I can change.
Of course I didn't need to come all the way here to know this, but I'm glad I did. I thought I might stay until sunset, and maybe I should have, but I didn't go for the sun. I went for the ocean and the ocean did not disappoint.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
The Best Thing Ever
Are you having a hell of a time lately? Stress? Too much work or too much of a lack of work? Spouse not cooperating? Uncontrollable feelings? Feel like your house is on fire?
Here is your solution --
1. Load up your iPod with all your best songs
2. Map out a route that goes as far west as you can (preferrably all the way to the ocean)
3. Gather together your favorite snacks, the kind that won't make you feel bad about eating them later
4. Scout out the nearest Starbucks for your venti iced unsweetened black tea (this is optional for you but required for me)
5. Don't invite a soul. I know this sounds selfish, but it will be worth it. You don't even have to answer your phone.
6. Fill the gas tank
7. Set the iPod on shuffle and get out of here!
Your life will change, for the better...https://cid-91f49eaf397659cd.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/Journey%20To%20The%20End%20of%20the%20World%20-%20Feb%2009/146-4608%7C_IMG.JPG
Here is your solution --
1. Load up your iPod with all your best songs
2. Map out a route that goes as far west as you can (preferrably all the way to the ocean)
3. Gather together your favorite snacks, the kind that won't make you feel bad about eating them later
4. Scout out the nearest Starbucks for your venti iced unsweetened black tea (this is optional for you but required for me)
5. Don't invite a soul. I know this sounds selfish, but it will be worth it. You don't even have to answer your phone.
6. Fill the gas tank
7. Set the iPod on shuffle and get out of here!
Your life will change, for the better...https://cid-91f49eaf397659cd.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/Journey%20To%20The%20End%20of%20the%20World%20-%20Feb%2009/146-4608%7C_IMG.JPG
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
What You Are
I'm generally an optimist, but 2008 pretty much sucked ass. I lost a lot, mostly having to do with how I relate to myself and to my life. Sounds stupid, but it feels huge. I don't want to go into all the negativity here, but I will say that I need to re-establish what makes me tick.
It was also a year of completion. Mostly through the magic of social networking (!) I was able to get in contact with all of the people from my past who were so significant in helping me become the person I am today.
This year I've been in contact with all of my best friends and boyfriends from my youth. Even though we have all grown apart, there is still that common connection. We have different values, goals, responsibilities and stresses now, as creeping-up-on-middle-aged people, but the essence of who we were and why we were friends is pretty much still there.
As this was happening, I had the thought that when we know someone, the way we relate is completely unique to us. When you grow apart and are no longer in each others orbit, we still hold a little piece of that person in our mind. So, there are pieces of me out there in the minds and hearts of all the people I've known.
Life has gotten so complicated since way-back-when, disappointing and painful in its own way - it's just comforting to know that there are people out there who know who I really am without all these trappings. Being reunited with them is like putting the pieces of a puzzle together or sewing a quilt. Somehow, my fabric seems stronger.
I don't know why, but this really helps through all the loss. I feel better equipped to move forward. I don't need to be in their modern-day clubs, but just knowing where they are, where the pieces of me are, really helps me put it all back together.
It was also a year of completion. Mostly through the magic of social networking (!) I was able to get in contact with all of the people from my past who were so significant in helping me become the person I am today.
This year I've been in contact with all of my best friends and boyfriends from my youth. Even though we have all grown apart, there is still that common connection. We have different values, goals, responsibilities and stresses now, as creeping-up-on-middle-aged people, but the essence of who we were and why we were friends is pretty much still there.
As this was happening, I had the thought that when we know someone, the way we relate is completely unique to us. When you grow apart and are no longer in each others orbit, we still hold a little piece of that person in our mind. So, there are pieces of me out there in the minds and hearts of all the people I've known.
Life has gotten so complicated since way-back-when, disappointing and painful in its own way - it's just comforting to know that there are people out there who know who I really am without all these trappings. Being reunited with them is like putting the pieces of a puzzle together or sewing a quilt. Somehow, my fabric seems stronger.
I don't know why, but this really helps through all the loss. I feel better equipped to move forward. I don't need to be in their modern-day clubs, but just knowing where they are, where the pieces of me are, really helps me put it all back together.
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