Flow

I betray myself by staying stuck
By not having the courage
To take the first step forward
By not having the faith
To believe that I can affect change
Deep down
So that I can be free from my trappings

I can be whatever I want
I just have to truly want it
Part of me just wants to stay sick
Because I think it's easy
When in reality
It takes far more energy and effort
To stay the same
This is what drives me to exhaustion

Change is the natural current
And I am swimming against it with all my might
Clinging desperately
To rocks and logs and wayward branches
Because I don't know
Where the rushing river leads
And I don't trust my life jacket

So the trick is letting go
Without letting go of what's important
Letting go with action
Rather than complacency or denial

I don't know how to do that
It's always been such a fight to survive
Happiness is a temporary, hard-won battle
I've gotten all turned around somehow
I can't see the exit sign
I'm not even sure it's still there

I betray myself by believing in my delusions
Believing they're real
And that they rule
That is the most dangerous, self-defeating thought there is
I can't believe I'm letting it win

Looking away
Is not the same as crushing it
I just need to pick up the hammer