Judge and Jury

Am I responsible for how my art is received by another person? If I write something for reason of expression and someone has a negative emotional response to it, am I required to feel guilty about it?

I've come to a point in my life where I feel that I don't have to be ashamed for what I am or for what I express. It's a process, right? Although I very rarely do anything with the intention to harm someone else, sometimes, out of ignorance or inexperience, I do. I can own up to that, apologize, learn from it and determine to change my ways. But I do not, ever, have to be ashamed of who I am in my process. Guilt and shame are completely counterproductive and regressive emotions. You can be accountable for your actions without punishing yourself with hateful emotions.

It's difficult for me to express my most intimate and honest thoughts directly. I have to summon my courage to put it out there, to surrender to it. I give myself full permission to explore certain aspects of myself without judgment or censorship. The truth of who I am is in constant flux and I accept that. I honor it even though sometimes it's not pretty or clean or logical.

It is surprising and disappointing to find that people don't even consider this flexibility of mind for themselves or for the people around them. If we can't express who we are with our friends - the good, bad & ugly - are they really our friends? What qualifies one person to stand in judgment of another?

I promise you I am not whatever you think I am.

Freedom: A Perspective

I was sitting in a ReelGrrls board meeting this evening and I get so inspired about the work that they do. I wish I could just jump in and help them with all my might. Of course I can do that energetically, but it's just not practical money or timewise for me to be able to give everything I would like. Right now.

So that got me thinking. What would my life have to look like for me to be able to do whatever I wanted in the world? I like working, I like what I do and I love the company I work for now. But how could I get to the point where I could do ANYTHING and what would that be like? I'm usually so absorbed in what's in front of my face that I don't often take the time to dare to dream. It's unfortunate.

Of course, I would need to be funded. I don't have any rich elderly relatives, and I make good money but only enough to support my household. If and when I do retire I'll probably have enough to live modestly. I don't know where this money would come from, but that doesn't mean it won't come, right? It could.

The real element I lack, and this is surprising for me to admit, is the inner freedom to let myself go there. If I truly wanted to, I could arrange my life differently so that the financial burden wouldn't be my number one obstacle. It's not anyway. The obstacle is my mind. It might be shocking to my system, but if I gave myself permission I could do anything. I am surprised by this realization because this inner freedom is how I've gotten to where I am now, but somehow I got complacent and locked into the belief that this is all I am. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am so much more. How can I unwind it?

If I could have anything I wanted, I wouldn't work to make other people rich. I would work only motivated by doing good. I would be able to offer myself up to ReelGrrls as a volunteer or staff member. I would do as much for Dharma as time allowed. I would travel the world and break myself out of my white middle-class capitalist complacency. I would take the time to have a family and then have the luxury of time to raise them. I would smell the roses.

All of this thinking led me to this - right now, I have everything I will ever need and so much more than I ever thought I would. I can't enjoy all the material things life has to offer, and if I do have kids it will be a struggle. But so what.

Just the desire to be a force in improving the lives of others is freedom in itself. That desire says that I am so fortunate in this world, that I am able to rise above my own problems and take a look around. There is nothing wrong with my lot in life. If I have to work until the day I die and I never experience that windfall I think I need, I can spend every one of those days with the intention to benefit those less fortunate. It's not what you do, it's the mind you do it with.

Why The Dissin'?

I was at the Post Office on Saturday. It was as to be expected - long line and lotsa slowness. When you step into the PO, just be prepared to take it at a slower pace.

Also be prepared for a cesspool of disrespect. People are impatient and rude a lot in the Post Office. You hear a lot about people "going postal" and when you see how postal employees get treated by the crazy public, it's not surprising.

The guy at the counter was there to pick some mail he'd missed at his house. Apparently it had been re-delivered to his house. But he wasn't having any of it. At top volume he was shouting at the clerk, telling her that she is wrong, he lives at his house and it's not there. Nice. Real nice. Another employee came out to help and the two of them went back into the warehouse to look for it. They didn't come back for a long, long time.

A couple of customers later, another guy was explaining to a different clerk (also at the top of his lungs) step-by-step how she needed to scan and handle his parcel, and then how to take his money. Now, maybe she was new and granted she didn't speak English very well, but no one deserves to be told how to do their job by a customer in such a condescending authoritative tone.

To make it all the more entertaining, the first guy, who was still waiting for the clerk to re-emerge from the back, whispered under his breath, "What a dick!"

It's just mail, people! No need to get so worked up!

Effort

The other day I weighed in and I had lost .2 lbs. I felt that was a huge victory, considering I put very little effort into losing weight. Sure, I watch what I eat and occasionally walk down the block, but other than that I usually just indulge my anxious or emotional eating or whatever you call it, and usually I sleep in or putter around rather than exercise.

I have a conflict inside me that says I "should" be healthier and leaner, and it also says I "shouldn't" focus so much on the pressures of the perfect body. This has been going on since I was, oh, 13 or so, and I keep hoping the whole image thing will just right itself, but so far it hasn't.

It's all about the effort. The most obvious equation is effort=results. DUH. I feel ridiculous even writing that. This is fundamental. We learn it at birth. Somehow, I've gotten so complacent and lazy, that I expect things to just change even though I put forth very little effort. Magically, the pounds will just shed off and my (motivation for) meditation practice will just rev back up all on it's own. Just because I will it to. I shouldn't have to do anything, I work hard enough already!

Maybe I'm working too hard on the wrong things. Maybe this strange idea of "taking care of yourself" has some merit. I'll have to work on that. There we go again with the work! Maybe I need to relax into it, deeply understand the benefits and make it meaningful. Otherwise, I'll just go along the same slippery slope forever and die with a blobby body and a disturbed mind! I really don't want that. I was meant for better things than this. I'm pretty sure.

Escape

I spent considerable time in my mind the other night trying to figure out how I would get out of my house if there was an invasion of some sort. This wasn't conscious thought, so relax, I'm not paranoid or crazy (much, consciously, anyway).

In my dream I thought I heard someone come in the house and head toward my bedroom. I looked over and thought, well, I'll just quietly slip out the sliding glass door here. No one will know, and I can get away without being harmed. I played this over in my mind until I was convinced it was a sound plan.

I spent even more time pondering where I would hide the key to my house so I could get back in later when the danger was gone. It is far too inconvenient where it is now, and someone would surely notice me getting it. It would be way better if it were right outside the sliding glass door, maybe in the garden, so I could just grab it on my way out. Very sneaky.

I have to tell you, I don't have a sliding glass door in my bedroom, or a garden outside to hide the key. I'm not in any particular danger of a home invasion, no more than most I suppose. I must be feeling threatened by something unknown or feeling the need to make an escape plan. This is one of these subtle puzzles in my mind, something I will chew on and untangle later.

Of course it could also be that I'm just reading too many vampire books!

Surrender

Surrender, he says.

Good word.

Surrender is not just giving up, it's giving in. Giving yourself over to your fears, or giving up a fight or letting yourself be loved. Surrender is an active state.

It's not one I'm very good at. I like to be in control, you see. I am the boss of me. I don't know what will happen if I let you win, if I let you in. Will I be less of myself if I admit you're right, if I let you into my heart, if I let my guard down even a little bit?

Will you take advantage of me? Will you break down the walls that I've carefully constructed? Will you steal my soul, reveal my weaknesses?

So this leads to the real issue - faith. What do I believe in and where does my strength come from? If I am truly solid in myself, in my values, in my beliefs, then it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. It doesn't matter if I'm right, or in control, or if I'm caught with my pants down, my most private parts exposed.

If I have faith that I'll be alright, I will. If I can be strong enough in myself to be vulnerable too, I just might learn something. I just might know you more deeply and honestly. If I have the faith to surrender and my life is made richer by sharing it with you, won't that make me more of myself?

Isn't that the whole point?

Refuge

We were visiting a friend of Jeff’s from Bremerton. We were in a shack, one room with cement floors and we were staying the night. I was surprisingly cozy, just sleeping on my coat. In the morning a woman (someone’s wife) was in a huge hurry to get us out of there and we left.

I was driving away on a motorcycle going to a campground kind of far away. I was alone. There was a huge lake to the east. The shack must have been near the shore of this lake. I was driving on country roads with not much traffic, and I was going toward the campground. It had a very specific name but I couldn’t remember it. Somehow I got lost.

I stopped off at this house where there were familiar people who I trusted. It’s not clear who these people were but I was comforted by them. They couldn’t give me directions to where I was going because I couldn’t articulate where I was trying to get to. I thought I could just drive out and figure it out and I tried a couple of times but kept going back to this house for reassurance. I enjoyed visiting but had to be on my way. I knew that I could get there on my own, and was willing to try but would accept help if there was any. It didn’t look like there was.

I saw someone there who was threatening to me and I tried to avert his gaze, but he knew I was there. There was a sudden urgency to get out. I went to the back room to find my motorcycle, which had turned into an expensive bike. It wasn’t there. I knew he was sabotaging me and I was angry. I turned to confront him and he was smirking. I was yelling at him to give my bike back. He wanted to know what I was so upset about and I was yelling at him, accusing him of being abusive and telling him that I would no longer tolerate it. I was finding my strength.

So there are a lot of worldly influences in this dream but basically I think the message is: You can find your path, you just have to have the courage to walk it. You need to know where your refuge is and stand up against that which harms you. The answers are there, you just need to trust and listen.