Bittersweet

I am saddened by your ignorance
Devastated by your self-destruction
Wanting
So badly
To understand your reality
But it’s just beyond my reach

I don’t think even you can reason
The effects of your own actions
This is no witch hunt
You simply
Have to know
Who your friends are
And find solace in that

You appealed to my dark side
That alone should have been an indication
To just back away slowly
But I wasn’t in the mood for that
Apparently I had my own self-destruction
To contend with
Not like the old days though
This time I know squarely where I stand
Who I am
And what I’m made of
I tested it
And I was right

So shocking
How you could do such an extreme 180
In such a short amount of time
Who has trust issues?
Who has no faith?
You don’t ask yourself these questions
You put the blame
For the mess that you are
On everyone else

That’s fine
I can take the blame for this one
But you will never see me
In a vulnerable place
With you
Ever again
I have lost my naivete for this game
That door has been slammed shut
And dead-bolted
Because I know now
Exactly what I’m dealing with
And I will always lose with you

Every day I pray
That you will have peace in your heart
Love, and comfort
That you will forget
That the illusion you pinned on me
Ever existed

I know you said all those vicious, twisted things to me
Out of pain
A lifetime of suffering
That I had nothing to do with
And no control over
I would take it all away for you if I could
I forgive you completely
And know that the sting
Of your slap
Will eventually fade

Because I am bigger than this
I know that this is not all there is
I saw the purity of your heart
I believed in it
I still do
I don’t know if you will ever know that
Or be able to understand it
To cherish yourself the way I would have cherished you

Until that day
You will always wonder
What happened to your happiness
You will tell yourself how everyone is so
Untrustworthy
And unworthy
That’s the real tragedy
Because underneath all that pain
You know the truth
But it’s just beyond your reach

for A, Nov 2008