Do You Believe In Magic?

Do you ever get yourself into a situation that you know is not going to be good in the long run, or even the short run, but that you kinda can't help yourself but indulge? I recently did that and it turned out just as bad as it ever could have. Now all I have is the filmy residue sludge of sadness to wear around until it wears off.

From the start I had a funny feeling about it, but I let it go on for a couple of reasons. The first one, for which I have no excuse. I admit I enjoyed the attention. I wanted to hear someone saying amazing things about me. It's not often that we get showered with praise and affection for no good reason. And I knew that it was all conjecture, and knowing myself, I knew that a lot of it wasn't even true. People can really build shit up in their head, and they can really believe it, especially if they are unstable (more on that later).

The second reason is that I can see good things in people and even though all the signs point the other way, I really, really want to believe in magic. This person had a lifetime of pain and also had a ton of great, rare qualities that I haven't seen in someone in a long time. We had a lot in common and, I thought, a similar artistic vision. That is something I haven't even recognized in myself for years and I was excited to have it re-emerge, and also to have someone to share it with. I saw so much potential in spanning time with this person and I had hope.

When he became very attached to the idea of us being more than just friends and collaborators, I should have cut it off right there. After all my experience in this world, why did I ever think that it would work out? That he could maintain just being friends? I knew it could never end well, not with someone in his state of mind, but I wanted to believe in something bigger.

So I guess I only have myself to blame. Yes, he is unstable and beyond reason and I greatly underestimated his emotional force and violence. All the horrible things he said about me in the end, in part, were true. Not that I deserve any of it, but I should be smarter than this.

I've lost him as a friend forever, probably, but I haven't lost my ability to learn from my mistakes. Is it a mistake to let someone into your mind and let them see who you are? Maybe, sometimes, it is. I know I'm not a bad person, and I know my intentions, but sometimes that's not enough - a lot of harm can be done by ignorance. That's what I blame myself for.

I wonder where we've been before, and how I created this to appear in my life now. I also believe that by harming him, or even him perceiving harm, that this sets off another round of actions to which I will suffer the effects from later. I don't look forward to that. I just hope that love counts for something. I'm not mad and this will take a little while before the sadness finally wears off.