Surrender

Surrender, he says.

Good word.

Surrender is not just giving up, it's giving in. Giving yourself over to your fears, or giving up a fight or letting yourself be loved. Surrender is an active state.

It's not one I'm very good at. I like to be in control, you see. I am the boss of me. I don't know what will happen if I let you win, if I let you in. Will I be less of myself if I admit you're right, if I let you into my heart, if I let my guard down even a little bit?

Will you take advantage of me? Will you break down the walls that I've carefully constructed? Will you steal my soul, reveal my weaknesses?

So this leads to the real issue - faith. What do I believe in and where does my strength come from? If I am truly solid in myself, in my values, in my beliefs, then it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. It doesn't matter if I'm right, or in control, or if I'm caught with my pants down, my most private parts exposed.

If I have faith that I'll be alright, I will. If I can be strong enough in myself to be vulnerable too, I just might learn something. I just might know you more deeply and honestly. If I have the faith to surrender and my life is made richer by sharing it with you, won't that make me more of myself?

Isn't that the whole point?

Refuge

We were visiting a friend of Jeff’s from Bremerton. We were in a shack, one room with cement floors and we were staying the night. I was surprisingly cozy, just sleeping on my coat. In the morning a woman (someone’s wife) was in a huge hurry to get us out of there and we left.

I was driving away on a motorcycle going to a campground kind of far away. I was alone. There was a huge lake to the east. The shack must have been near the shore of this lake. I was driving on country roads with not much traffic, and I was going toward the campground. It had a very specific name but I couldn’t remember it. Somehow I got lost.

I stopped off at this house where there were familiar people who I trusted. It’s not clear who these people were but I was comforted by them. They couldn’t give me directions to where I was going because I couldn’t articulate where I was trying to get to. I thought I could just drive out and figure it out and I tried a couple of times but kept going back to this house for reassurance. I enjoyed visiting but had to be on my way. I knew that I could get there on my own, and was willing to try but would accept help if there was any. It didn’t look like there was.

I saw someone there who was threatening to me and I tried to avert his gaze, but he knew I was there. There was a sudden urgency to get out. I went to the back room to find my motorcycle, which had turned into an expensive bike. It wasn’t there. I knew he was sabotaging me and I was angry. I turned to confront him and he was smirking. I was yelling at him to give my bike back. He wanted to know what I was so upset about and I was yelling at him, accusing him of being abusive and telling him that I would no longer tolerate it. I was finding my strength.

So there are a lot of worldly influences in this dream but basically I think the message is: You can find your path, you just have to have the courage to walk it. You need to know where your refuge is and stand up against that which harms you. The answers are there, you just need to trust and listen.

Long Lost

Why are you haunting me now?
I'm ok to let you go now
I just wanted to find you
And tell you
I'm not like I was
I don't need to own you
I would like to help you
To love you from afar
I don't think I can though
You have this fence around you
And I won't interfere
But I'm here
When you're free
Until then
Please stop haunting me

Talk To The Hand

I recently gave someone the advice to trust their instincts. As I wrote it, it rang in my head. This is something I don't do enough of. Due to my accepting and forgiving nature, I somehow missed a filter that said - Hey, if this seems crazy or dangerous, it probably is.

Just yesterday, I blocked all communication from not one, but two people who were causing chaos in my life. This is huge for me. I'm a sucker for a suffering soul and I don't ever want people to feel rejected by me. There's enough of that in the world, right?

Yes, and....some people are toxic because of their unhappiness, isolation and self-absorption. If you meet anyone like this and let them in to your heart, take note: If it seems to threaten or obliterate your boundaries, it's not healthy, and you should run.

I've lived for a while and I should know this, I do know this, but sometimes my dark adventurous side feels indulgent, bored or curious. I need to find a better outlet.

If you're not sure, ask yourself - How do I feel with this person in my life? For me, I was conflicted, confused, desperate and strangely inspired. All my delusions were being encouraged and it was stressful.

How do I feel now that they're gone? Relieved, relaxed and wonderfully inspired. I can still have compassion for their suffering and pray for their happiness. But I don't have to be caught up in the spin. It's not good for me and it certainly doesn't help them.

I've lived a while, but not so long that I can't learn a good hard lesson every once in a while. I'm thankful for that.

Flow

I betray myself by staying stuck
By not having the courage
To take the first step forward
By not having the faith
To believe that I can affect change
Deep down
So that I can be free from my trappings

I can be whatever I want
I just have to truly want it
Part of me just wants to stay sick
Because I think it's easy
When in reality
It takes far more energy and effort
To stay the same
This is what drives me to exhaustion

Change is the natural current
And I am swimming against it with all my might
Clinging desperately
To rocks and logs and wayward branches
Because I don't know
Where the rushing river leads
And I don't trust my life jacket

So the trick is letting go
Without letting go of what's important
Letting go with action
Rather than complacency or denial

I don't know how to do that
It's always been such a fight to survive
Happiness is a temporary, hard-won battle
I've gotten all turned around somehow
I can't see the exit sign
I'm not even sure it's still there

I betray myself by believing in my delusions
Believing they're real
And that they rule
That is the most dangerous, self-defeating thought there is
I can't believe I'm letting it win

Looking away
Is not the same as crushing it
I just need to pick up the hammer

The Ocean

I went to the end of the world to pour my sorrows into the ocean, to ask the ocean to wash them away so that I could be free and move on. The ocean, however, is a busy place and though it was kind enough to listen, it didn't reply in the way that I had expected.

Your sorrows, said the ocean, do not exist. They are of your own making. You can leave them here, but if you do not do the hard work to believe what I just told you, they will just return. I can do the hard work, I thought, I can change.

Of course I didn't need to come all the way here to know this, but I'm glad I did. I thought I might stay until sunset, and maybe I should have, but I didn't go for the sun. I went for the ocean and the ocean did not disappoint.

The Best Thing Ever

Are you having a hell of a time lately? Stress? Too much work or too much of a lack of work? Spouse not cooperating? Uncontrollable feelings? Feel like your house is on fire?

Here is your solution --
1. Load up your iPod with all your best songs
2. Map out a route that goes as far west as you can (preferrably all the way to the ocean)
3. Gather together your favorite snacks, the kind that won't make you feel bad about eating them later
4. Scout out the nearest Starbucks for your venti iced unsweetened black tea (this is optional for you but required for me)
5. Don't invite a soul. I know this sounds selfish, but it will be worth it. You don't even have to answer your phone.
6. Fill the gas tank
7. Set the iPod on shuffle and get out of here!

Your life will change, for the better...https://cid-91f49eaf397659cd.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/Journey%20To%20The%20End%20of%20the%20World%20-%20Feb%2009/146-4608%7C_IMG.JPG