Refuge

We were visiting a friend of Jeff’s from Bremerton. We were in a shack, one room with cement floors and we were staying the night. I was surprisingly cozy, just sleeping on my coat. In the morning a woman (someone’s wife) was in a huge hurry to get us out of there and we left.

I was driving away on a motorcycle going to a campground kind of far away. I was alone. There was a huge lake to the east. The shack must have been near the shore of this lake. I was driving on country roads with not much traffic, and I was going toward the campground. It had a very specific name but I couldn’t remember it. Somehow I got lost.

I stopped off at this house where there were familiar people who I trusted. It’s not clear who these people were but I was comforted by them. They couldn’t give me directions to where I was going because I couldn’t articulate where I was trying to get to. I thought I could just drive out and figure it out and I tried a couple of times but kept going back to this house for reassurance. I enjoyed visiting but had to be on my way. I knew that I could get there on my own, and was willing to try but would accept help if there was any. It didn’t look like there was.

I saw someone there who was threatening to me and I tried to avert his gaze, but he knew I was there. There was a sudden urgency to get out. I went to the back room to find my motorcycle, which had turned into an expensive bike. It wasn’t there. I knew he was sabotaging me and I was angry. I turned to confront him and he was smirking. I was yelling at him to give my bike back. He wanted to know what I was so upset about and I was yelling at him, accusing him of being abusive and telling him that I would no longer tolerate it. I was finding my strength.

So there are a lot of worldly influences in this dream but basically I think the message is: You can find your path, you just have to have the courage to walk it. You need to know where your refuge is and stand up against that which harms you. The answers are there, you just need to trust and listen.

Long Lost

Why are you haunting me now?
I'm ok to let you go now
I just wanted to find you
And tell you
I'm not like I was
I don't need to own you
I would like to help you
To love you from afar
I don't think I can though
You have this fence around you
And I won't interfere
But I'm here
When you're free
Until then
Please stop haunting me

Talk To The Hand

I recently gave someone the advice to trust their instincts. As I wrote it, it rang in my head. This is something I don't do enough of. Due to my accepting and forgiving nature, I somehow missed a filter that said - Hey, if this seems crazy or dangerous, it probably is.

Just yesterday, I blocked all communication from not one, but two people who were causing chaos in my life. This is huge for me. I'm a sucker for a suffering soul and I don't ever want people to feel rejected by me. There's enough of that in the world, right?

Yes, and....some people are toxic because of their unhappiness, isolation and self-absorption. If you meet anyone like this and let them in to your heart, take note: If it seems to threaten or obliterate your boundaries, it's not healthy, and you should run.

I've lived for a while and I should know this, I do know this, but sometimes my dark adventurous side feels indulgent, bored or curious. I need to find a better outlet.

If you're not sure, ask yourself - How do I feel with this person in my life? For me, I was conflicted, confused, desperate and strangely inspired. All my delusions were being encouraged and it was stressful.

How do I feel now that they're gone? Relieved, relaxed and wonderfully inspired. I can still have compassion for their suffering and pray for their happiness. But I don't have to be caught up in the spin. It's not good for me and it certainly doesn't help them.

I've lived a while, but not so long that I can't learn a good hard lesson every once in a while. I'm thankful for that.

Flow

I betray myself by staying stuck
By not having the courage
To take the first step forward
By not having the faith
To believe that I can affect change
Deep down
So that I can be free from my trappings

I can be whatever I want
I just have to truly want it
Part of me just wants to stay sick
Because I think it's easy
When in reality
It takes far more energy and effort
To stay the same
This is what drives me to exhaustion

Change is the natural current
And I am swimming against it with all my might
Clinging desperately
To rocks and logs and wayward branches
Because I don't know
Where the rushing river leads
And I don't trust my life jacket

So the trick is letting go
Without letting go of what's important
Letting go with action
Rather than complacency or denial

I don't know how to do that
It's always been such a fight to survive
Happiness is a temporary, hard-won battle
I've gotten all turned around somehow
I can't see the exit sign
I'm not even sure it's still there

I betray myself by believing in my delusions
Believing they're real
And that they rule
That is the most dangerous, self-defeating thought there is
I can't believe I'm letting it win

Looking away
Is not the same as crushing it
I just need to pick up the hammer

The Ocean

I went to the end of the world to pour my sorrows into the ocean, to ask the ocean to wash them away so that I could be free and move on. The ocean, however, is a busy place and though it was kind enough to listen, it didn't reply in the way that I had expected.

Your sorrows, said the ocean, do not exist. They are of your own making. You can leave them here, but if you do not do the hard work to believe what I just told you, they will just return. I can do the hard work, I thought, I can change.

Of course I didn't need to come all the way here to know this, but I'm glad I did. I thought I might stay until sunset, and maybe I should have, but I didn't go for the sun. I went for the ocean and the ocean did not disappoint.

The Best Thing Ever

Are you having a hell of a time lately? Stress? Too much work or too much of a lack of work? Spouse not cooperating? Uncontrollable feelings? Feel like your house is on fire?

Here is your solution --
1. Load up your iPod with all your best songs
2. Map out a route that goes as far west as you can (preferrably all the way to the ocean)
3. Gather together your favorite snacks, the kind that won't make you feel bad about eating them later
4. Scout out the nearest Starbucks for your venti iced unsweetened black tea (this is optional for you but required for me)
5. Don't invite a soul. I know this sounds selfish, but it will be worth it. You don't even have to answer your phone.
6. Fill the gas tank
7. Set the iPod on shuffle and get out of here!

Your life will change, for the better...https://cid-91f49eaf397659cd.skydrive.live.com/self.aspx/Journey%20To%20The%20End%20of%20the%20World%20-%20Feb%2009/146-4608%7C_IMG.JPG

What You Are

I'm generally an optimist, but 2008 pretty much sucked ass. I lost a lot, mostly having to do with how I relate to myself and to my life. Sounds stupid, but it feels huge. I don't want to go into all the negativity here, but I will say that I need to re-establish what makes me tick.

It was also a year of completion. Mostly through the magic of social networking (!) I was able to get in contact with all of the people from my past who were so significant in helping me become the person I am today.

This year I've been in contact with all of my best friends and boyfriends from my youth. Even though we have all grown apart, there is still that common connection. We have different values, goals, responsibilities and stresses now, as creeping-up-on-middle-aged people, but the essence of who we were and why we were friends is pretty much still there.

As this was happening, I had the thought that when we know someone, the way we relate is completely unique to us. When you grow apart and are no longer in each others orbit, we still hold a little piece of that person in our mind. So, there are pieces of me out there in the minds and hearts of all the people I've known.

Life has gotten so complicated since way-back-when, disappointing and painful in its own way - it's just comforting to know that there are people out there who know who I really am without all these trappings. Being reunited with them is like putting the pieces of a puzzle together or sewing a quilt. Somehow, my fabric seems stronger.

I don't know why, but this really helps through all the loss. I feel better equipped to move forward. I don't need to be in their modern-day clubs, but just knowing where they are, where the pieces of me are, really helps me put it all back together.