Judge and Jury

Am I responsible for how my art is received by another person? If I write something for reason of expression and someone has a negative emotional response to it, am I required to feel guilty about it?

I've come to a point in my life where I feel that I don't have to be ashamed for what I am or for what I express. It's a process, right? Although I very rarely do anything with the intention to harm someone else, sometimes, out of ignorance or inexperience, I do. I can own up to that, apologize, learn from it and determine to change my ways. But I do not, ever, have to be ashamed of who I am in my process. Guilt and shame are completely counterproductive and regressive emotions. You can be accountable for your actions without punishing yourself with hateful emotions.

It's difficult for me to express my most intimate and honest thoughts directly. I have to summon my courage to put it out there, to surrender to it. I give myself full permission to explore certain aspects of myself without judgment or censorship. The truth of who I am is in constant flux and I accept that. I honor it even though sometimes it's not pretty or clean or logical.

It is surprising and disappointing to find that people don't even consider this flexibility of mind for themselves or for the people around them. If we can't express who we are with our friends - the good, bad & ugly - are they really our friends? What qualifies one person to stand in judgment of another?

I promise you I am not whatever you think I am.

Freedom: A Perspective

I was sitting in a ReelGrrls board meeting this evening and I get so inspired about the work that they do. I wish I could just jump in and help them with all my might. Of course I can do that energetically, but it's just not practical money or timewise for me to be able to give everything I would like. Right now.

So that got me thinking. What would my life have to look like for me to be able to do whatever I wanted in the world? I like working, I like what I do and I love the company I work for now. But how could I get to the point where I could do ANYTHING and what would that be like? I'm usually so absorbed in what's in front of my face that I don't often take the time to dare to dream. It's unfortunate.

Of course, I would need to be funded. I don't have any rich elderly relatives, and I make good money but only enough to support my household. If and when I do retire I'll probably have enough to live modestly. I don't know where this money would come from, but that doesn't mean it won't come, right? It could.

The real element I lack, and this is surprising for me to admit, is the inner freedom to let myself go there. If I truly wanted to, I could arrange my life differently so that the financial burden wouldn't be my number one obstacle. It's not anyway. The obstacle is my mind. It might be shocking to my system, but if I gave myself permission I could do anything. I am surprised by this realization because this inner freedom is how I've gotten to where I am now, but somehow I got complacent and locked into the belief that this is all I am. I have a sneaking suspicion that I am so much more. How can I unwind it?

If I could have anything I wanted, I wouldn't work to make other people rich. I would work only motivated by doing good. I would be able to offer myself up to ReelGrrls as a volunteer or staff member. I would do as much for Dharma as time allowed. I would travel the world and break myself out of my white middle-class capitalist complacency. I would take the time to have a family and then have the luxury of time to raise them. I would smell the roses.

All of this thinking led me to this - right now, I have everything I will ever need and so much more than I ever thought I would. I can't enjoy all the material things life has to offer, and if I do have kids it will be a struggle. But so what.

Just the desire to be a force in improving the lives of others is freedom in itself. That desire says that I am so fortunate in this world, that I am able to rise above my own problems and take a look around. There is nothing wrong with my lot in life. If I have to work until the day I die and I never experience that windfall I think I need, I can spend every one of those days with the intention to benefit those less fortunate. It's not what you do, it's the mind you do it with.

Why The Dissin'?

I was at the Post Office on Saturday. It was as to be expected - long line and lotsa slowness. When you step into the PO, just be prepared to take it at a slower pace.

Also be prepared for a cesspool of disrespect. People are impatient and rude a lot in the Post Office. You hear a lot about people "going postal" and when you see how postal employees get treated by the crazy public, it's not surprising.

The guy at the counter was there to pick some mail he'd missed at his house. Apparently it had been re-delivered to his house. But he wasn't having any of it. At top volume he was shouting at the clerk, telling her that she is wrong, he lives at his house and it's not there. Nice. Real nice. Another employee came out to help and the two of them went back into the warehouse to look for it. They didn't come back for a long, long time.

A couple of customers later, another guy was explaining to a different clerk (also at the top of his lungs) step-by-step how she needed to scan and handle his parcel, and then how to take his money. Now, maybe she was new and granted she didn't speak English very well, but no one deserves to be told how to do their job by a customer in such a condescending authoritative tone.

To make it all the more entertaining, the first guy, who was still waiting for the clerk to re-emerge from the back, whispered under his breath, "What a dick!"

It's just mail, people! No need to get so worked up!