Escape

I spent considerable time in my mind the other night trying to figure out how I would get out of my house if there was an invasion of some sort. This wasn't conscious thought, so relax, I'm not paranoid or crazy (much, consciously, anyway).

In my dream I thought I heard someone come in the house and head toward my bedroom. I looked over and thought, well, I'll just quietly slip out the sliding glass door here. No one will know, and I can get away without being harmed. I played this over in my mind until I was convinced it was a sound plan.

I spent even more time pondering where I would hide the key to my house so I could get back in later when the danger was gone. It is far too inconvenient where it is now, and someone would surely notice me getting it. It would be way better if it were right outside the sliding glass door, maybe in the garden, so I could just grab it on my way out. Very sneaky.

I have to tell you, I don't have a sliding glass door in my bedroom, or a garden outside to hide the key. I'm not in any particular danger of a home invasion, no more than most I suppose. I must be feeling threatened by something unknown or feeling the need to make an escape plan. This is one of these subtle puzzles in my mind, something I will chew on and untangle later.

Of course it could also be that I'm just reading too many vampire books!

Surrender

Surrender, he says.

Good word.

Surrender is not just giving up, it's giving in. Giving yourself over to your fears, or giving up a fight or letting yourself be loved. Surrender is an active state.

It's not one I'm very good at. I like to be in control, you see. I am the boss of me. I don't know what will happen if I let you win, if I let you in. Will I be less of myself if I admit you're right, if I let you into my heart, if I let my guard down even a little bit?

Will you take advantage of me? Will you break down the walls that I've carefully constructed? Will you steal my soul, reveal my weaknesses?

So this leads to the real issue - faith. What do I believe in and where does my strength come from? If I am truly solid in myself, in my values, in my beliefs, then it doesn't matter what you do or don't do. It doesn't matter if I'm right, or in control, or if I'm caught with my pants down, my most private parts exposed.

If I have faith that I'll be alright, I will. If I can be strong enough in myself to be vulnerable too, I just might learn something. I just might know you more deeply and honestly. If I have the faith to surrender and my life is made richer by sharing it with you, won't that make me more of myself?

Isn't that the whole point?

Refuge

We were visiting a friend of Jeff’s from Bremerton. We were in a shack, one room with cement floors and we were staying the night. I was surprisingly cozy, just sleeping on my coat. In the morning a woman (someone’s wife) was in a huge hurry to get us out of there and we left.

I was driving away on a motorcycle going to a campground kind of far away. I was alone. There was a huge lake to the east. The shack must have been near the shore of this lake. I was driving on country roads with not much traffic, and I was going toward the campground. It had a very specific name but I couldn’t remember it. Somehow I got lost.

I stopped off at this house where there were familiar people who I trusted. It’s not clear who these people were but I was comforted by them. They couldn’t give me directions to where I was going because I couldn’t articulate where I was trying to get to. I thought I could just drive out and figure it out and I tried a couple of times but kept going back to this house for reassurance. I enjoyed visiting but had to be on my way. I knew that I could get there on my own, and was willing to try but would accept help if there was any. It didn’t look like there was.

I saw someone there who was threatening to me and I tried to avert his gaze, but he knew I was there. There was a sudden urgency to get out. I went to the back room to find my motorcycle, which had turned into an expensive bike. It wasn’t there. I knew he was sabotaging me and I was angry. I turned to confront him and he was smirking. I was yelling at him to give my bike back. He wanted to know what I was so upset about and I was yelling at him, accusing him of being abusive and telling him that I would no longer tolerate it. I was finding my strength.

So there are a lot of worldly influences in this dream but basically I think the message is: You can find your path, you just have to have the courage to walk it. You need to know where your refuge is and stand up against that which harms you. The answers are there, you just need to trust and listen.

Long Lost

Why are you haunting me now?
I'm ok to let you go now
I just wanted to find you
And tell you
I'm not like I was
I don't need to own you
I would like to help you
To love you from afar
I don't think I can though
You have this fence around you
And I won't interfere
But I'm here
When you're free
Until then
Please stop haunting me

Talk To The Hand

I recently gave someone the advice to trust their instincts. As I wrote it, it rang in my head. This is something I don't do enough of. Due to my accepting and forgiving nature, I somehow missed a filter that said - Hey, if this seems crazy or dangerous, it probably is.

Just yesterday, I blocked all communication from not one, but two people who were causing chaos in my life. This is huge for me. I'm a sucker for a suffering soul and I don't ever want people to feel rejected by me. There's enough of that in the world, right?

Yes, and....some people are toxic because of their unhappiness, isolation and self-absorption. If you meet anyone like this and let them in to your heart, take note: If it seems to threaten or obliterate your boundaries, it's not healthy, and you should run.

I've lived for a while and I should know this, I do know this, but sometimes my dark adventurous side feels indulgent, bored or curious. I need to find a better outlet.

If you're not sure, ask yourself - How do I feel with this person in my life? For me, I was conflicted, confused, desperate and strangely inspired. All my delusions were being encouraged and it was stressful.

How do I feel now that they're gone? Relieved, relaxed and wonderfully inspired. I can still have compassion for their suffering and pray for their happiness. But I don't have to be caught up in the spin. It's not good for me and it certainly doesn't help them.

I've lived a while, but not so long that I can't learn a good hard lesson every once in a while. I'm thankful for that.