Bittersweet

I am saddened by your ignorance
Devastated by your self-destruction
Wanting
So badly
To understand your reality
But it’s just beyond my reach

I don’t think even you can reason
The effects of your own actions
This is no witch hunt
You simply
Have to know
Who your friends are
And find solace in that

You appealed to my dark side
That alone should have been an indication
To just back away slowly
But I wasn’t in the mood for that
Apparently I had my own self-destruction
To contend with
Not like the old days though
This time I know squarely where I stand
Who I am
And what I’m made of
I tested it
And I was right

So shocking
How you could do such an extreme 180
In such a short amount of time
Who has trust issues?
Who has no faith?
You don’t ask yourself these questions
You put the blame
For the mess that you are
On everyone else

That’s fine
I can take the blame for this one
But you will never see me
In a vulnerable place
With you
Ever again
I have lost my naivete for this game
That door has been slammed shut
And dead-bolted
Because I know now
Exactly what I’m dealing with
And I will always lose with you

Every day I pray
That you will have peace in your heart
Love, and comfort
That you will forget
That the illusion you pinned on me
Ever existed

I know you said all those vicious, twisted things to me
Out of pain
A lifetime of suffering
That I had nothing to do with
And no control over
I would take it all away for you if I could
I forgive you completely
And know that the sting
Of your slap
Will eventually fade

Because I am bigger than this
I know that this is not all there is
I saw the purity of your heart
I believed in it
I still do
I don’t know if you will ever know that
Or be able to understand it
To cherish yourself the way I would have cherished you

Until that day
You will always wonder
What happened to your happiness
You will tell yourself how everyone is so
Untrustworthy
And unworthy
That’s the real tragedy
Because underneath all that pain
You know the truth
But it’s just beyond your reach

for A, Nov 2008

Do You Believe In Magic?

Do you ever get yourself into a situation that you know is not going to be good in the long run, or even the short run, but that you kinda can't help yourself but indulge? I recently did that and it turned out just as bad as it ever could have. Now all I have is the filmy residue sludge of sadness to wear around until it wears off.

From the start I had a funny feeling about it, but I let it go on for a couple of reasons. The first one, for which I have no excuse. I admit I enjoyed the attention. I wanted to hear someone saying amazing things about me. It's not often that we get showered with praise and affection for no good reason. And I knew that it was all conjecture, and knowing myself, I knew that a lot of it wasn't even true. People can really build shit up in their head, and they can really believe it, especially if they are unstable (more on that later).

The second reason is that I can see good things in people and even though all the signs point the other way, I really, really want to believe in magic. This person had a lifetime of pain and also had a ton of great, rare qualities that I haven't seen in someone in a long time. We had a lot in common and, I thought, a similar artistic vision. That is something I haven't even recognized in myself for years and I was excited to have it re-emerge, and also to have someone to share it with. I saw so much potential in spanning time with this person and I had hope.

When he became very attached to the idea of us being more than just friends and collaborators, I should have cut it off right there. After all my experience in this world, why did I ever think that it would work out? That he could maintain just being friends? I knew it could never end well, not with someone in his state of mind, but I wanted to believe in something bigger.

So I guess I only have myself to blame. Yes, he is unstable and beyond reason and I greatly underestimated his emotional force and violence. All the horrible things he said about me in the end, in part, were true. Not that I deserve any of it, but I should be smarter than this.

I've lost him as a friend forever, probably, but I haven't lost my ability to learn from my mistakes. Is it a mistake to let someone into your mind and let them see who you are? Maybe, sometimes, it is. I know I'm not a bad person, and I know my intentions, but sometimes that's not enough - a lot of harm can be done by ignorance. That's what I blame myself for.

I wonder where we've been before, and how I created this to appear in my life now. I also believe that by harming him, or even him perceiving harm, that this sets off another round of actions to which I will suffer the effects from later. I don't look forward to that. I just hope that love counts for something. I'm not mad and this will take a little while before the sadness finally wears off.