Human Dominion

I no longer understand how man is superior to beasts.

I was recently spending time with some people that I have known for years, all very nice people with families and good intentions. They all live way out deep in the foothills, where beasts once roamed free and uninterrupted. There is a constant war in their neighborhood with the coyotes. The consequence for a coyote who wanders too close? A bullet between the eyes. Why not? They are threatening to the humans, and humans deserve to live more than coyotes do.

I don't agree with this, and I even find it offensive, but I was a guest in their home, and I'm not going to debate their way of life. Everyone's different, and it's not like I'm going to change their minds with my uppity live-and-let-live attitude. We just don't see things the same way. I guess somewhere in the Bible it says that humans are better. I don't believe in the Bible, but I'm not going to debate that either.

One of these folks, whom I had just met, was talking about one of her cats, who has a serious peeing problem. Pees on everything. Soaks through the carpet, the floorboards. It's unbearable, and disgusting. Having had a cat with this kind of behavior, I totally get how unpleasant it is to live with this kind of thing. Her solution, however, was that she wants to get the cat put to sleep so it can die peacefully in her loving arms. She is outraged because she couldn't find a vet to euthanize a cat without a medical reason, and a frisky bladder is not a medical reason. She didn't want to just give it away to PAWS to die in someone else's arms. I can see her love for her cat, and I respect that, but never in a million years would I come to that same solution. At least she isn't taking it out back to shoot it, and if she does, I don't want to ever hear that story.

I kind of tuned out the conversation after that, until my friend's husband said to me, "You're one of those 'no harm to animals' type of people aren't you? Are you still a Buddhist?".

Ok, so here we go. "Yes," I replied.

"But you eat chicken don't you?" he said.

"Yes, I just started eating meat for medical reasons, but I don't really want to."

"But you wouldn't kill a chicken?"

"Uh, no, why would I kill a chicken?" No, I wouldn't even kill a chicken to eat it. I know they have to die for me to eat them, but I don't really want to kill them myself. Hypocritical? Maybe, but, man, I didn't grow up on a farm and I just don't think that way.

"What if you had a chicken and it was eating its own eggs?" asked the cat woman. She was planning on just shooting it. That's one way to get it to stop.

I am being tested here, and I don't really know the moral answer to that. I live in the suburbs, where there are minimal wild beasts roaming around. I mean, the occasional raccoon comes by but nothing more menacing than that. I live where food comes from your grocery store, you don't kill it, skin it and fry it up yourself. It's a sheltered existence, and the brutality of meat is disguised in nice friendly packaging. I don't really have to think through the food chain much, and when I do, I get kind of uncomfortable.

Just because humans have better weapons, and we think we dominate over nature, does that make it right? I don't think it does.

I had a neighbor once who had seven dogs, all of them ran around in the yard all day barking and jumping around. To make them less of a nuisance, she had all of their voice boxes removed so instead of barking they just wheezed - still very audible, but less abrasive to the ear. Is that the right thing to do? Maybe a single person who is gone from home a lot should just have less dogs or spend more time at home or not live smack in the middle of a neighborhood. Seems like a more respectful way to live, anyway.

I'm not going to to judge the way other people live. They all have their own belief systems and reasons for hunting and fishing and shooting coyotes or removing dog's voice boxes. They have their own god to answer to at the end of the day.

But I don't really want to be complicit to it either. To me, it's wrong. Nor do I want to debate it or protest it or burn down any labs, but I do believe that all beasts have the right to live, just like we humans do. I don't agree that they should live or not live for the sake of our comfort.

The Wait

I have been a good girl. I follow the rules and I am a responsible citizen. I learn from my mistakes and make up for my transgressions. I have spent my entire adult life on a mission to undo the dysfunction I grew up in.

I went to college, built a satisfying career, developed a spiritual life, got married, bought a house, pay taxes and vote. I go to therapy when I need to and see multiple specialists proactively so that I don't get cancer or autoimmune disease. I eat a reasonably healthy diet and exercise five times a week. I don't drink very much or do drugs. I have a solid network of reliable and supportive friends.

It's a blessed life, really, better than I had hoped for. I did everything I was supposed to do, everything they said I should do to have a happy life. And for the most part, it is. I waited until I was as stable and possible to have babies, the holy grail of humanity. So, why can't I?

I know I could do it! I know I could raise a well-balanced, well-intentioned, productive member of society. I know I have plenty of love and, at my advanced maternal age, wisdom and perspective to offer. I chose a good partner from a healthy, fertile family. We are both ready. All the ingredients are there, but still no babies come. Why?

People do this all the time, all over the world, and most with none of the fortune and advantages that we enjoy. Babies are born without their mothers even knowing they're pregnant, a total (and often unwelcome) surprise. Healthy full-term babies are born to drug addicted mothers and parents who don't even want them.

I am a mammal, and this is what mammals do to ensure the survival of the species. This happens with no divine intervention, no praying, hoping and wishing. It happens naturally because that's what we are designed for. I am an evolved mammal. What am I doing wrong?

I know they are there, my future babies. I'm not greedy, just one would do. Two, even better, even twins. People look at me like I'm insane when I say that, but at my age, with time running out, I'll do two at once! I may never get a chance for two. I don't even know if I have a chance at all. I know I need to believe, but every month that goes by, every negative pregnancy test or sign of PMS, I admit I get a little more discouraged.

I am willing! I am not afraid of hard work. I've been working hard my whole life. I know, I don't know what I'm in for or how hard it really will be, but I don't care. I know this will affect my career, put it on hold or change it forever, but I don't care. I know I don't want to get to the end of my life with nothing to show but a lifetime of working hard to make other people rich.

I feel the creative energy inside me. I know I could do it, and I feel like I deserve it. I've worked so hard and tried everything within my capacity. I've approached motherhood mentally, physically, spiritually, through natural and artificial means. I know the functions of my reproductive system so intimately. I recognize all the subtle changes in my temperature, moods and muscles and know what it all signifies. I am, at last, an expert on what makes human life happen. I've worked through tons of emotional difficulties with intimacy, obstacles and pacification, negotiations, even mastered my own sense of self-worth. And still, I fail.

I have no control and never will. It's all up to fate, or luck, or karma. No matter what you call it, I swim upstream in a slow, sticky river of uncertainty, disappointment and confusion.

I am not the only woman to go through this. I know so many like me who have just simply waited too long. Sometimes it works out, like a miracle or prayers answered, and sometimes it just doesn't. I'm prepared to adjust, grieve, find meaning of life elsewhere, work through the despair and move on. Some women do. And some never do. The worst part is, I don't know which of these women I am.

Who am I and why do I want this so badly? Is it because this is the one thing I am not able to accomplish? Is it the challenge? Will I be a better, more complete, more real woman if I give birth to, and raise, a responsible human being, providing it with all the advantages I never had? Will I have fulfilled my debt to society for all the richness I enjoy? Will my family love and respect me more? Maybe. Maybe this is the reason why it matters.

I can't really pinpoint the why or the how, but I know this is heavy, and that I can't give it up until something gives. Bulldog persistence isn't really my thing. I'm more of a middle way, live-and-let-live type, but this I can't give up yet. I'm not very good at journeys, I much prefer the destination. I feel a little lost on this path. It's all on faith and faith is hard to come by sometimes.

I feel like a fool obsessing about all these questions. There are no answers, only speculation, and no one's opinion really counts. I know they are trying to help, but I don't want to hear one more time "oh don't worry, it will happen soon", because it's just as likely that it won't. Or, "you can always adopt", because that's just not the point.

This is such a private matter, but when you're married and 38 years old, all of a sudden it's everyone's business. What is wrong with you? Are you one of those selfish, materialistic career women? Are you barren (gasp)? Is your partner impotent? Who's fault is it? You don't have to hear these questions out loud to know they are being asked, especially if you come from the fertile stock that I do.

I just want to shout it out on the mountaintop - I'm TRYING, ok? Get out of my pants. It's hard enough without the scrutiny. There is nothing WRONG with me, or with my life, my priorities or my marriage. I'm good. It just took me a while to get here. And here's another fact, not everyone gets to this point and that's ok too. Nothing wrong with it. Ok? It's not shameful not to procreate. Some would say it's shameful to procreate for the wrong reasons - Christian greed or ignorance or laziness. Isn't it better to be motivated by love and loving intention?

Who knows? It's not about judgment. Right now, all I have to hang my hat on is the wait.

I'm Sorry...What Did You Say?

“…current research indicates that the attention span of millennial teens has documentably, physiologically changed – shortened, of course! -- and broadened to include more types of “input” simultaneously from that of the previous generations. You need quick-burst information presented in eye-catching ways to secure their attention to what you’re trying to portray.”

I read this in a client email recently with regard to a teen curriculum we are developing at work, and it gave me chills. It both intrigues and depresses me, but it doesn't surprise me. We humans are evolving, no doubt, but to what end?

I would like to be a poet or even a songwriter, but when would I find time to do that? I am already so over-committed that when I do finally sit down each day (sometimes at 9 or 10pm), I don't have one more brain cell or introspective thought to dedicate to profound thinking.

I often wonder what it was like back when Poet could be your profession, when you could wander around in the quiet woods (and there were plenty of woods left) and pontificate on the beauty of nature, or whatever, uninterrupted, for as long as you wanted. True, life was simpler then, and it was more difficult to survive. But the luxury of focus just doesn't seem to exist now, not if you want to live in a house and drive a car and be a "productive" member of society. Today, if you are a person who does one task at a time and it takes you all day to do it, you are totally useless and obsolete.

We are conditioned to take in as much visual and aural stimulation and do as many activities at one time as is possible, and we call this productivity. I sit in meetings with 15 people, all on their laptops, half-listening to the agenda while answering as many emails as they can. If they did not do this, they wouldn't be able to keep up with their jobs. Someone told me today that they work 70 hours a week on a regular basis, and each day they put off 200-300 requests to deal with later. I always wonder, "When is later?" and "When does it end, when we die?".

Is it just me, or is there something seriously wrong with this? Maybe this kind of action is leading us into a super-human existence, and I am just an ignorant relic, but it feels counter-intuitive to the core of my being. No one pays attention to anyone anymore; they don't have the patience to listen. If we can't stop the buzzers and rings and tweets and email on a small flat 2D screen long enough to look at each other and make a human connection, how can the human connection survive?

Unsmooth Operator

As I slip further and further away from "miss" and into "ma'am", I am more keenly aware of how I am treated in public by the opposite sex. I've come to the realization that I'm not the sweet young thing (subjective opinion) that I once was.

The men who shamelessly flirt with me these days are guys in some sort of service industry (or crazy guys, I get that too). I was finding this surprising and even flattering, but now I know they do it because they are paid to. You get more flies with honey, right? Sometimes, if done well, it still is flattering, but sometimes it's just ridiculously disingenuous and creepy, like wearing too much cologne.

I checked into my hotel in New York this week, and the guy at the desk was just dripping with flirtery. On first glance, he was a young, probably gay, Hispanic guy so he caught me off guard when he batted his eyes and said "Is this your first stay? I do hope you come back again". My mind said, "what was that?". I turned to my co-worker to see if he heard it too. He did, but he did not betray it.

Then, he said "Here is your key, please stop by if you need a map...or just to say hi." Uh huh. Come on, dude, just be polite. You are not convincing or endearing. I'm a responsible consumer. I would have tipped you anyway.

A Word for Freelancers of the World

I've been thinking about this subject for a long time. Part of my job as a producer is to hire teams of creative and production people to create media for events, websites, curriculum, etc. Many times, and with varying success, I will hire freelancers who are new to being in business for themselves.

I'm always rooting for people who dare to be in business for themselves in this tough economy and this industry in particular. Secretly, I wish I wasn't so attached to my company so that I could do this myself, and take vacations whenever I wanted, and make twice as much money. But it's a trade-off, and I love the place I work and it's benefits.

Over the years I've seen new freelancers make professional mistakes, not career-ending, but mistakes that make me not want to hire them again. I have been told by my peers that I am too nice, too patient and too forgiving, but I believe in giving people a chance. The more experience I have, the more I know how this needs to be managed so that I don't put my projects and my client relationships at risk.

Here is some advice that could be useful to a freelancer or contractor when first starting out. If you follow this advice, you will make yourself very valuable in a competitive market:

1. Work your contacts, but don't pester people. It's great to check in once a month or every couple of months to let someone know you want to work with them. Don't call them or email them every week. We know you're there, and if we like you and need your skills, we'll call.

2. Be very clear about what you offer. Have confidence in your skills and talents, and communicate those so that we know exactly how it is you could fit into a project. If you don't know what it is that you want, we can't help you. We often need someone to take a project and run with it. Uncertainty is a risk we can't afford to take.

3. Do some research and price yourself for the market. It's always good to negotiate for the first job with a new company, but know what your skills are worth. Whatever you do, don't ask us what you should be paid. If we haven't worked with you, we have no idea what your work is worth.

4. Research the company you are trying to work with. Know what they do and have some idea of how you can be of service.

5. Be honest and realistic about your capabilities, but also about your availability. The biggest mistake I see people make is taking on every job that comes along, and then running into a time crunch getting them all done. We do not want to hear about how many other projects you have going on. We want to know that our project is a priority for you, and that you have enough time to do a great job and deliver on time.

6. Don't tell me how great you are, show me. If you've gotten as far as a meeting or a phone call, I am impressed. Let your work speak for itself. Sales pitches are annoying.

7. Be responsive. If I do have a project and I call you, it is go-time. Things move so quickly in this world that I might not have two days to wait for you to get back to me. If I call you more than once, and response is slow, I will assume that you are busy and will probably put someone else at the top of the list for future projects.

8. Be professional, even when working with friends. I have a casual rapport with people, but I'm serious about the work. We can be friendly and joke around, but I need to know that you are as serious as I am, and that you're going to give it 100%. If you do, I will definitely refer you to my peers.

9. Treat every project like it's the most important thing you have going on, because it is. Repeat business and recommendations are what make your freelance career successful!

10. Don't be high maintenance. Make sure you have all the tools to do your job. Don't assume we will loan you a computer or give you a ride to a location shoot. Don't assume that we will be able to spend a lot of time training. We hire experts in their fields because we don't have the time or the skills to do what you do in-house.

11. Do what you say you're going to do, but if you run into challenges, tell me. If the scope expands beyond the budget we agreed upon, beyond your skills or beyond the timeline, tell me. I see this mistake all the time. Rather than raise a flag, people will get frustrated or feel resentful that they are doing more than they bargained for. I never want to take advantage of your time or make you do more work than I'm paying for, but I don't know what your limits are unless you tell me. I'm happy to push back for more time or more budget if there is a legitimate case for it.

12. This industry is in constant flux. A project very rarely hits every milestone and deliverable exactly as expected. There needs to be flexibility of mind on both sides to be successful.

13. Meet your deadlines to the best of your ability. If you consistently delay or miss deadlines, or don't communicate, it doesn't matter how talented you are, we won't ask you back for another project. And word gets around.

14. Leave a positive impression. A good attitude is the key to doing exactly what you want to do in the world. I will hire someone who has a great attitude and is resourceful over the most talented person with an entitled attitude any day.

15. And if you work with me and you don't have a good experience, for whatever reason, don't blog about me or my company by name. It's a smaller town than you think.

I'm often juggling multiple projects at a time, and I always need help with something. If you are freelancing - the work is out there, go for it! It's not easy to get started or to know the right way to handle things, so I hope these guidelines are helpful. Good luck and see you out there!

Epilogue

Look, I thought we could be friends, and I tried, but I was wrong. It’s not for lack of connection or affection, it’s just not going to work out. I’d love to crawl inside your mind, just for a quick visit, to find the answer to this question – What the hell are you thinking?

Seriously, I don’t see what you see when you make the requests that you do. I can’t fathom why you think I would bargain for that. Is it an inability to step back from the situation and see it for what it is? Or do you want what you want so badly that feedback from the other party doesn’t matter? Is it desperation or arrogance? I’m not sure what it is but believe me when I say I don’t want any part of it.

I don’t even think you want what you think you want, or that you have a grasp on what you’re asking for. I think you have an alternate reality going on in your mind, one that you believe is completely true and attainable. What’s sad is that you will never get it, because it doesn’t exist. No one is going to come in and take that pain away for you, or reverse what has already begun to destroy your sanity. No one can fulfill that fantasy, even if they wanted to. It’s tragic, but it’s true.

I don’t mean to say that you deserve to suffer, that you should suffer, or that you should suffer alone. You have to find the love in the world where it is. You can’t demand that it come to you in a certain gift-wrapped package, ready to sacrifice itself to give you everything you need RIGHT NOW. If you insist on this and this only, you will suffer more, and end up lonely.

You have to find the love in the world where it is. It’s there, but it’s destroyed by desperation. Love often doesn’t look like we expect it to, and most of the great love I’ve known in this life had nothing to do with romance, urgency or possession. You’re going about it all wrong, my friend, but it is there. I hope you recognize it when you see it.

What Lies Beneath

Seriously, I think I'm on my last legs with working so many events in a row. I had the anxiety dream to beat all anxiety dreams last night. It was the first of three very vivid and symbolic (?) dreams.

Dream #1
Marty and I were doing an event (this is nothing new) with Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft. The crew was sparse, so I had to be the tape op and roll the video on Mr. Ballmer's cue. The trick is that the tape decks were on stage for some reason, so when the time came, I would have to go on stage and push play on the right tape in the right deck. I had extreme anxiety about this. I didn't want to go on stage, especially with Steve Ballmer! I'm not a tape op anymore and don't they have a department handling this anyway?

The show got underway and I realized that I didn't really pay enough attention to the instructions and the chance of me getting it right was slim. I tried to explain to Marty that it would be better to somehow sneak up on stage when the exec wasn't looking, take the tape and bring it to the truck where they could roll it no problem. Marty was not sympathetic to my problem and had the attitude of "just handle it". I felt that even though this was not my job, if I screwed it up it could be career-ending.

But by the time I got to the stage, it was too late. He had already called the cue and there I was, back to the audience facing the tape deck, sweating bullets, trying to figure out which tape to push play on. The whole world waited. I knew I was going to do it wrong.

Dream #2
I was on my way to work and my car started to slow down and pull to the left. I managed to get it into the parking lot of a gas station, where I discovered that I had a flat tire. I was contemplating whether I could fix it myself or if I had to call AAA. I thought it better that I call someone.

Dream #3
I moved to Bothell and I was ok with it. I was contemplating what the effect on my commute and social life would be. This one seems kind of unconsequential, doesn't it? Still, I remember it so it must have some significance.

Sometimes it just doesn't pay to sleep too long...