The Wait

I have been a good girl. I follow the rules and I am a responsible citizen. I learn from my mistakes and make up for my transgressions. I have spent my entire adult life on a mission to undo the dysfunction I grew up in.

I went to college, built a satisfying career, developed a spiritual life, got married, bought a house, pay taxes and vote. I go to therapy when I need to and see multiple specialists proactively so that I don't get cancer or autoimmune disease. I eat a reasonably healthy diet and exercise five times a week. I don't drink very much or do drugs. I have a solid network of reliable and supportive friends.

It's a blessed life, really, better than I had hoped for. I did everything I was supposed to do, everything they said I should do to have a happy life. And for the most part, it is. I waited until I was as stable and possible to have babies, the holy grail of humanity. So, why can't I?

I know I could do it! I know I could raise a well-balanced, well-intentioned, productive member of society. I know I have plenty of love and, at my advanced maternal age, wisdom and perspective to offer. I chose a good partner from a healthy, fertile family. We are both ready. All the ingredients are there, but still no babies come. Why?

People do this all the time, all over the world, and most with none of the fortune and advantages that we enjoy. Babies are born without their mothers even knowing they're pregnant, a total (and often unwelcome) surprise. Healthy full-term babies are born to drug addicted mothers and parents who don't even want them.

I am a mammal, and this is what mammals do to ensure the survival of the species. This happens with no divine intervention, no praying, hoping and wishing. It happens naturally because that's what we are designed for. I am an evolved mammal. What am I doing wrong?

I know they are there, my future babies. I'm not greedy, just one would do. Two, even better, even twins. People look at me like I'm insane when I say that, but at my age, with time running out, I'll do two at once! I may never get a chance for two. I don't even know if I have a chance at all. I know I need to believe, but every month that goes by, every negative pregnancy test or sign of PMS, I admit I get a little more discouraged.

I am willing! I am not afraid of hard work. I've been working hard my whole life. I know, I don't know what I'm in for or how hard it really will be, but I don't care. I know this will affect my career, put it on hold or change it forever, but I don't care. I know I don't want to get to the end of my life with nothing to show but a lifetime of working hard to make other people rich.

I feel the creative energy inside me. I know I could do it, and I feel like I deserve it. I've worked so hard and tried everything within my capacity. I've approached motherhood mentally, physically, spiritually, through natural and artificial means. I know the functions of my reproductive system so intimately. I recognize all the subtle changes in my temperature, moods and muscles and know what it all signifies. I am, at last, an expert on what makes human life happen. I've worked through tons of emotional difficulties with intimacy, obstacles and pacification, negotiations, even mastered my own sense of self-worth. And still, I fail.

I have no control and never will. It's all up to fate, or luck, or karma. No matter what you call it, I swim upstream in a slow, sticky river of uncertainty, disappointment and confusion.

I am not the only woman to go through this. I know so many like me who have just simply waited too long. Sometimes it works out, like a miracle or prayers answered, and sometimes it just doesn't. I'm prepared to adjust, grieve, find meaning of life elsewhere, work through the despair and move on. Some women do. And some never do. The worst part is, I don't know which of these women I am.

Who am I and why do I want this so badly? Is it because this is the one thing I am not able to accomplish? Is it the challenge? Will I be a better, more complete, more real woman if I give birth to, and raise, a responsible human being, providing it with all the advantages I never had? Will I have fulfilled my debt to society for all the richness I enjoy? Will my family love and respect me more? Maybe. Maybe this is the reason why it matters.

I can't really pinpoint the why or the how, but I know this is heavy, and that I can't give it up until something gives. Bulldog persistence isn't really my thing. I'm more of a middle way, live-and-let-live type, but this I can't give up yet. I'm not very good at journeys, I much prefer the destination. I feel a little lost on this path. It's all on faith and faith is hard to come by sometimes.

I feel like a fool obsessing about all these questions. There are no answers, only speculation, and no one's opinion really counts. I know they are trying to help, but I don't want to hear one more time "oh don't worry, it will happen soon", because it's just as likely that it won't. Or, "you can always adopt", because that's just not the point.

This is such a private matter, but when you're married and 38 years old, all of a sudden it's everyone's business. What is wrong with you? Are you one of those selfish, materialistic career women? Are you barren (gasp)? Is your partner impotent? Who's fault is it? You don't have to hear these questions out loud to know they are being asked, especially if you come from the fertile stock that I do.

I just want to shout it out on the mountaintop - I'm TRYING, ok? Get out of my pants. It's hard enough without the scrutiny. There is nothing WRONG with me, or with my life, my priorities or my marriage. I'm good. It just took me a while to get here. And here's another fact, not everyone gets to this point and that's ok too. Nothing wrong with it. Ok? It's not shameful not to procreate. Some would say it's shameful to procreate for the wrong reasons - Christian greed or ignorance or laziness. Isn't it better to be motivated by love and loving intention?

Who knows? It's not about judgment. Right now, all I have to hang my hat on is the wait.